*A note: I wrote this piece in 2010 and recently re-discovered it in my archived email folders. 

It was the summer of 1996. I don’t usually remember dates because they are numbers and my brain doesn’t do data, which is funny now because my job is data-entry (go figure). The reason I remember ‘96 is because of the Olympics, specifically, because of the “Magnificent 7” - the American Gymnastics team. I can still remember all of their names: the two Dominique’s (Mocianu, my favorite, and Dawes, my brother's favorite), Amy, Amanda, Jaycee, Shannon, and Kerri, the vaulting hero of the games. That image of Coach Bela Karolyi carrying Kerri to join her team on the medal stand, her leg in bandages and tears streaming down her face, is burned into my brain.

It was the year that I decided to organize my very own neighborhood Olympics. I was 10 years old and had been taking gymnastics since I was 3 and was so obsessed with it I’d managed to get my Grandpa Frahm to build me my own bars and beam in the back yard. I thought it was the coolest thing in the entire world. 
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I began this undertaking first by enlisting the neighborhood kids to join. There was me, Elizabeth who was my age, Meaghan, who was a few years younger, and her younger brother Matt who was about 3 or 4 and had a head like a giant watermelon. Every day I worked with them, trying to teach them routines. Practice! Practice! Practice! I was like a drill sergeant, never taking “no” for an answer. One day we had a little set back as I was trying to teach Elizabeth to do a cartwheel on the beam and she missed her footing and scratched her leg pretty bad. “These things happen,” I yelled, in my crazy northern accent as she ran home crying, “You just gotta suck it up and get back up there!” She came back a few days later, though she never did that cartwheel again which was a big disappointment for me because it was gonna be one of our biggest, and most crowd-pleasing moves.

As the day drew closer, our beam, bars and floor routines finalizing, I decided we should all pick different countries to be from. I chose Romania because as anyone who knows anything knows, all the greatest gymnasts are from Romania. It’s practically the origin of gymnastics--not really, that’s Greece, but when’s the last time you saw Greece take home a medal? Exactly.

I secured a torch bearer (my best friend, Amy, carrying… now, this might just be my childhood imagination, but I believe it was real fire which later lit a barbecue--wait, that doesn’t seem right. Would they really let a child carry a fire-baring torch? Maybe it was just a fire drawn on paper). I also got a sweet sound machine (our karaoke). I got my parents, brother and our Swiss exchange student, Karim, to act as judges. Now, this is where it got a little controversial. I wanted everything to be fair, but my Mom wouldn’t cooperate unless the whole thing was rigged so everyone was a winner and since I didn't have the funds to hire real Judges, I had to go along with it. God that really pissed me off. “But Mom, in real life EVERYONE can’t always win. I know you’re trying to be diplomatic and everything, but that’s just not how life works. Only one person can win. And, hey, I’m not asking for any special treatment here, I want to be judged fairly, too. I demand it!” But she was right, I was the only one with any real training, those other kids didn’t stand a chance. I would have to just satiate myself by judging them all silently in my head.

We bought those fake, toy gold medals from the dollar store and made four score cards, which all read “10!” Then the day was finally here. The parents of all the kids came out and sat on lawn chairs in our yard as the opening music began and Amy marched us gymnasts into the Olympic Games with her “flame." We covered our hearts as the anthem played and then we were off to the events! Beam came first, Matt got up and successfully walked his big head down the beam and half way back up before dismounting with a jump of boredom. Everyone cheered and he received the first “10!” of the games.
 
Next went a wobbly Elizabeth, still staving off jitters from her fall earlier in the week. And we all screamed in joy (mine fake) while she received what she believed was her justly earned “10!” while I silently gave her a “6." Meaghan got up next with a forgettable routine and Matt shouted at the top of his lungs, “Hey Mom! I gotta go the bathroom! I gotta go the bathroom! Mom!” while he grabbed his peanut weenie and ran through the yard back to his house, his mother chasing after him. I just hung my head at the unprofessional-ism of it all. Professionals hold it in!

My beam routine was flawless, of course, and I received the only truly just “10!” but by that point word had started spreading pretty fast amongst the competitors that the games were rigged and I had to play the innocent and defend the stupid judging to keep their heads in the game, which ended up being much easier than I thought. We moved on to the bars. Matt got back from the bathroom just in time for Elizabeth to pick him up and attach him to bar. He swung back and forth three or four times and then, still clutching the bars, smiled proudly and said, “I’m done!” before falling to the ground with a thud. Meaghan was again forgettable. Elizabeth’s routine was boring. I think she peeked on the beam. I went up and dazzled them with my one-kneed twirling and my backwards flip off the high-bar, sticking the landing! Now that calls for a “10!” And it did.

Despite the emptiness of the scoring, I was feeling strong as we moved to our final event. The floor. Queue the music! Little Matt’s big head provided the perfect physics for somersaults, allowing him to stay weighted mid-air for a moment of anticipation while his tiny torso found its way over. He rolled a couple more times and then had to be encouraged to stop so the next competitor could begin. This time, Meaghan’s performance would not be forgotten. This was her moment.

The music was queued and she began with a running start. As she lifted her arms above her head, preparing for a cartwheel, the music suddenly sped up into chipmunk mode and this jarred the inexperienced gymnast who faltered and fell to the ground.  I remember shouting “Keep going! Meaghan! Keep gooooing!!!!!” as if I were a soviet coach with everything on the line. She got up and decided to try again. Backing up to get her ever important running start, she was off and just at the very moment, as if God himself were some cruel, comic/dj the music sped again into chipmunk mode and young Meaghan, learning nothing from her previous mistake, fell on her face again. This time, the crowd couldn’t help but laugh as my own frustration grew. She was making a mockery of these games! This was unacceptable. I yelled louder and harsher, taking on a 40 year old smoker’s voice, “Keep going! Meaghan! Focus! Keep going, damnit!!”

The poor girl, managed to get to her feet and pranced around for a little while, avoiding the cartwheels until the end of her routine. One last attempt at glory. “You can DO it Meaghan! Do it for your country!!!” I egged her on, "Do it for China!!!" And at that moment, she seemed to accept the responsibility I was placing on her shoulders. She nodded. She stood at the edge of the selected grass area. Here goes. Surely it wouldn’t happen a third time. Surely.

Her arms hit the air, her left foot came off the ground and the music, on cue, yet again sped to chipmunk speed as her body seemed to freeze mid-air for the briefest of moments, "Would she make it?" The crowd hushed and stood to watch as she again fell flat on her nose in utter shock and horror. Laughter followed, her own mother even joining in. I could only look at my feet. The disappointment so great. This is what I get for letting amateurs in, and worst of all, perhaps, was knowing she would be getting a “10!” The same score I would get.

The Olympic Games ended and in the years to come, as neighbors shared their video from it with us, I would get to relive it every so often. I came to see the humor in it. The photo of all of us kids standing on the beam proudly and not-so-proudly wearing our gold medals (some of which were actually bronze or silver, masquerading as gold). Matt’s barely fit over his giant head. Mine stung of what I then considered wasted sweat… all those hours, early mornings, and late evenings practicing, all for a medal that didn’t really hold any meaning.

Looking back now, I can see these games one of two ways. In one way, I am really proud of myself for bringing a neighborhood together and for making a reality out of a dream I had. I think it was one of the first times I learned to believe that I could do anything if I really applied myself. In another way, I see these games as one giant metaphor for life; Everyone telling you all these morals have meaning, that if you put in the time, live your life a certain way, it will all pay off… but really, in the end, we all share the same fate, hard-fought or not. A fate that does not take into account our many actions, or the time we’ve put in. Some work hard to little merit, others fall into greatness by chance or a rigged system.

My first thought, a much happier one.

germs germs everywhere
coughing, spewing
everyone
droplets of disease falling on my skin
i wince and flinch and
resist running for cover
(it is so, so hard)
never have i been so aware of the germs, germs everywhere
and watching the journey of each germ from the initial contamination to
the multiple infectants
i try to remain normal and focus on the job at hand
even as my insides curdle and i imagine bathing in
bleach at home

the snot he keeps on rolling, hacking, and rolling
the bits that fly out from him as he leans over
controlling my unlearned hand 
i am so completely grossed out
i hold my breath 
i will have to watch this to make sure it does not become a problem
both the germs
and my sudden fear of them


three license plates
i started memorizing license plates as i drove home from work
just to see if i could
it quickly became addicting
i will keep doing this
the first one was H59 5830 black chevy malibu max
the second was DC4 R5R purple Chevrolet car
the third was 5MC 079 red truck


mom asked, "why don't you ever finish the last two bits of drinks and things?"
"that's where the poison is," i said


at the grocery store i pointed at some funny vegetable and laughed
i touched it and said, "this feels like an old, shriveled penis."
mom laughed and we began our journey to the next aisle
when she looked back i had returned to the penis vegetable
to touch it with my other hand

I've recently become aware of an epidemic and I think you should become aware of it too. I think this epidemic has infected many of our families and communities, our government, our country, and at times, the entire world. There is a cure and the cure is easy to say, but harder to do. It is also necessary if we really want to build a better world for our future. And I haven't yet met anyone who thought everything was going along swimmingly in the world, just the way things were- have you?

Here is the issue: OURSELVES. We keep creating divisions instead of creating constructive discussions. What's worse is we create divisions and then pass them down to our children and over to our friends like a communicable disease and once we've identified ourselves or been identified by someone else as a member of a specific, so-called division, we then experience the knee-jerk need to defend our division and accuse the other division at all costs. This is a very unattractive and harmful symptom of an overwhelmingly hostile epidemic called US vs YOU.

Some people are so far gone in this epidemic as to have lost the ability to see fellow humans as fellow humans and instead only see the approved facetious adjectives their division has assigned to a rival division. You hear terribly offensive name-calling and personal attacks. You hear false statements proclaiming to be facts. You see friendships and families torn apart. You see unspeakable violence and anonymous people yelling obscenities at other anonymous people over computers, finding ways to bridge a gap of half the world in distance, only to shatter it with a total lack of willingness to try to understand each other.

What divisions do you belong to? Republican? Democrat? Atheist? Muslim? Christian? American? Israeli? Mexican? The 1%? The 99%? How has it effected the way you communicate with someone from another "division"? Do you feel yourself immediately going on the defensive? Find yourself prone to using derogatory nick-names, racial-slurs, and throwing statistical facts out (with links, no less!) without first taking the time to research and understand how statistics work and what the "other divisions" statistics may say? If so, you have likely been infected by the US vs YOU epidemic and should begin treatment immediately as you are contributing to the downfall of society.

I realize that last sentence may be taken as exaggeration, but know that it is meant sincerely. You may be feeling your insides begin to clinch and find your defenses heightened as I have switched from using the inclusive and non-divisory "us" and "we" to using "I" and "you." I have created a division between us now and it is only natural that you begin to feel a need to defend whatever it is I may be attacking about you. I am not going to attack you, though, so you may relax. In fact, I have been infected by this epidemic as well. I am in treatment now and writing this is one part of my treatment. 

When we cling to our divisions so tightly that we stop seeing the humanity in our fellow divisions, we have ceased evolving as a species and turned into a self-destructive time bomb. When Democrats and Republicans see themselves firstly as Democrats and Republicans instead of simply humans, they stop working for what humanity needs and instead work to defeat each other and by doing so cease benefiting humanity. When churches and mosques and temples see each other as blasphemous competition, they cease being of service to people and instead put people in danger of the kind of ignorant piety that breeds extremists. When we exaggerate facts to make our points heard, or knee-jerk a defense we were armed with second-hand, or expel cruel bashes about public figures in opposing divisions, we cease using the many, amazing capabilities we've been given as human beings- to learn, to understand, to have empathy, to be inclusive, to have patience, to admit a short coming, to ask for help, to hear someone else's perspective in full and respect their perspective and put ourselves in their shoes and ask questions instead of jump to down-putting and name-calling. We as human beings have the capacity to be better human beings than we have been!

From our Facebook feed to Yahoo comments to family dinner to political rallies, it's time to let go of our divisions. It's time to take up our similarity as humans who can be better humans and start working through our lives from a place of inclusivity. We must make a commitment- and this is the hard part- to lay down our knee-jerk defenses and pride and instead start from a place of humility. We must agree to cease all name-calling full stop as it is only ever negative and toxic to all involved. We must agree to only enter into dialogues with the intent to GAIN understanding and not to attack. We must agree that there will be many times when we will fail to understand each other, but must not let this keep us from trying or allow this failure to give us a false illusion of "rights" to put the other party down. If we do these things, we will be a more productive, supportive, nurturing, happier, and healthier society.

Listening to some of the arguments for and against "gay marriage" I found it very difficult to keep a cool head. What is the problem, here? What is the real issue? What is the concern, the threat, the fear, the trepidation in allowing same-sex couples to wed? I kept listening trying to hear a real, concrete reason from the opposition. Here are the only two arguments I heard over and over again: 

1. Marriage is intended to support procreation and 

2. There isn't enough "Scientific evidence" "Data" or "History" to show what effect same-sex marriage will have on our society. 

Okay, let's just take a breath and look at #1. Marriage is intended to support procreation.
I think that some good responses came from those fighting inside the Supreme Court for Equality for Same-Sex couples when they brought up the question about infertile couples and couples getting married over 50- should they not be allowed to get married because they can't naturally conceive children? I think that is a good rebuttal and one, at least from my perspective, that was not able to be counter-argued. But, that said, I personally find so much more wrong with that argument. They are arguing that marriage is more about having biological children than about two adults wanting to create a legally recognized union or about two adults wanting to create a legally recognized union and creating a family with children of varying DNA. 

Why are we still so concerned about making sure people are getting married to procreate? Yes, I think the more family a child can have the better. But when I look at the world what I do NOT see is a world that needs MORE children! There are so, so, so many children that don't have ANY family. The world's resources are being depleted, people are dying of hunger and dehydration. Children are falling between the cracks of a fallible and often failing system- they are growing up never having been taught love. How a person can bring a new child into this world is not something that I can understand- I mean, of course, I understand it in a primitive desire kind of way, I understand the primal urge born in us from a time when our survival depended on it, but not the capacity to make an intelligent decision today with the perspective of our current world in mind. Maybe these people arguing this "marriage for procreation" should take a better look around and realize that we do not have a procreation problem in this country. If anything, I would argue that we have an overpopulation problem- especially when you look at the rate of increase in population and it's predicted continual rise and what that means for our resources. 

Now let's look at that second point about there not being enough "Scientific evidence" "Data" or "History" to show what effect same-sex marriage will have on our society. That Meme that was going around Facebook about what will happen if a same-sex couple gets married kept popping into my head when they mentioned this argument. They said, you know, that "traditional" marriage has been around for thousands of years and that "gay" marriage has only been around since, what 2001- beginning in the Netherlands? Of course they can't foresee the future, but they can hypothesize, they can list out potential outcomes. For example, if a same-sex couple marries… then what? Seriously, then what? Give me ONE example of how allowing same-sex couples to marry ends in devastating debauchery for our society? Because I only see the benefits. 

When same-sex couples ARE allowed to marry that means that over time more and more people will come to accept it as the norm, will begin to see gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered kids as normal, will allow those kids to live with in a world without fear of being themselves, will allow two loving adults to adopt a child that may otherwise have never known what a family was, will SAVE the lives of kids who may feel their only options are suicide or running away. I see nothing but a world improved.

"Tradition" is NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON to keep doing something and, with all my heart, the day cannot come soon enough for equality to earn its meaning in our country and truly protect the basic human rights of all who dare to love, who dare to stand by someone for better or worse, in sickness and in health as long as they both shall live.

Anger is a naturally occurring human emotion that does not pass through a conscious check point before being released into feeling.

Expressing that anger, however, does require the subconsciously occurring anger to pass through a conscious check point that allows for logic processing and perspective before being given the green light to be expressed.

In my opinion, far too many people these days are not taking full advantage of this check point before giving their anger the go-ahead of expression.

This leads to prematurely expressed anger that cannot be fully supported by logic and perspective. If questioned, after the anger has been expressed, by a logical person with perspective, the person expressing the anger is likely to become even angrier- a further example of the synaptic misfirings that are holding them back from developing as an intelligent and rational person.