we try to make ourselves 
safe and untouchable
better than the "others"
but it is all an illusion

healthy diets
poor diets
all the same
die

tragic deaths 
timely deaths 
sudden or 
in pain

we try to feel superior
thinking it can save us
from something

but money can not 
save you
nothing can

there is so much pain
on earth
at times i find it hard
to pretend not to see it

sometimes you have to look away
or such is the feeling--because you
fear if you do not
you will explode in your sorrow

so while i still have the privilege 
of looking away sometimes
i will selfishly take it

life is hard and it hurts

days like today 
(where nothing terrible is happening
in my personal life--but everyone else's
pain is pulsing through my veins--
the shaking, scared chicken i saw trembling
in a video I accidentally stumbled upon on twitter,
the children in their mother's arms seeking asylum
at the border of a country who has decided not to
be their asylum, the president telling congresswomen
to go back "to their broken countries" and
so much more...)
days like today
i find it so hard to care about
SUCCESS!!!!!!
about succeeding
and getting money
getting that new car
buying a house
getting married
doing the "life tradition"
it all feels like such a mirage

and i start to wonder
does this happen to us all?
have people always been awake
to all this pain and terror?
or did it come into the widened consciousness
with the internet?

where do you go from here?
how do you make sense of your days?
what do you put on your to-do list to
make the most benefit of yourself on earth
to ease the most pain of others on earth
and take care of yourself the same?

i sit in my room and write
because i don't know the answers
every little thing i do to try and help
never feels enough
feels like shallow attempts so i can 
feel i tried--
what can i do that will really matter?

i sit in my room and look at my walls
they seem solid
they keep the bad weather out
they keep me cool or warm
and dry
they give me privacy and make
me feel safe
but their solidness is penetrable
just as mine is
and all of it, all of us 
temporary

safety is a lie
you're safe until you're not
you're here until you're gone

and all the things you do
to stay safe and nice and fine
wont matter

i know people who didn't drink much
and ate pretty healthy and were active that
died far younger than others i know still living
alcoholics, smokers, reckless with their lives
go figure

but not smoking, eating healthy, exercising
getting financially wealthy
it gives us more than a feeling of safety, doesn't it?
it gives us a feeling of superiority
that we have our "shit together" in a way
others don't
and now we can advise them on how to live better
because we know
we can charge them money to tell them how to live their lives
like us, do the skills we know, look the way we look, love the way we love

but behind these 'experts'
is still sadness
emptiness
fear
conflict
instability
and the knowledge that it doesn't matter
how much you make, how you look,
what you eat or don't eat,
how many likes or loves
you're not better
and no one "wins"
we're all just here

until we're not

I tend to my thoughts
like a garden
you have to
you must weed out the weeds
and plant new seeds of
the things you want to
grow in your life
if you want a tomato
you have to plant a seed
if you want a happy life
you need to dig your fingers
into the soil of your mind
and pick and pull the obstacles
that keep you occupied 
-- "in the weeds" --
and plant the seeds that will
​be most fruitful 

i love (see also: fear*anxiety*doubt) divulging my secrets into the 
black, wide expanse of the internet
it's so crowded, it feels anonymous
like shouting out something in times square
everyone is mostly focused on themselves
and their own experience, so the only ones
who notice are the ones looking (hi--if you are)

also, though... ever since i was young
i've craved being read, being known
i wrote my diary's with the hope--honestly?
practically the naive expectation--that
they would be read
that others would care enough to want
to know my thoughts and point of view
on my experience in the world

i've long said
to be known, fully--that's love
the act of the effort and attention poured into
gaining that knowledge--that's the act of love

and 

i know how important and formative 
it was for me to discover emily dickinson's words
on a page--speaking to me decades later
on a lonely bed in Gorizia

how profound it was to read bukowski
just blocks from where he wrote it 
in LA

to discover rupi kaur in a barnes and noble
not knowing her words would be holding my hand
not a month later during the heartbreak of my first
devastating break-up

people who write truthfully of their experiences?
that's been a lifeline for me--an antidote to the 
overwhelmingly mundane surface talk of everyday

so, i write my truth
i put it out in the world in my own little way
like bread crumbs
hoping someday the right people will find 
these words and they will mean something 
to them

​I must write about it now
last night was amazing
her 28th birthday
the 9th of July
2019
officially, girlfriends
i gave her an inflatable kayak
she teared up and smiled so big
same as when she read my card
and i feel a little selfish for how
how much pleasure it brought me to 
see her like that, and to know i had
made her feel like that
i just love it when she smiles
and feels moved deeply
and how amazing it is to be a part 
of making that happen
we cuddled later
which turned into making out
and deep talks
and laughs
and the invention of a new sex move?
and rutabaga kisses 
and rhubarb kisses
and her face when i followed my instincts 
and her body's position, and we did this new move
that neither of us expected 
and after, her lips pressed together as tight air loosely escaped
a look of total obliteration and overwhelming pleasure crossed her face
my god, that was great
I've gotta write about it
because I've gotta remember this
vividly--every feeling of
her, that night
wow

​i'm not writing about her
i'm not analyzing it or labeling it
i'm just experiencing it--being present
not placing expectations on it
not daydreaming (much) about future hypothetical's
i'm just letting it be what it is

future me with her 20/20 vision
will tell me, i'm sure, if this was wise
or a cop-out

but, a note to future me: 
current me is enjoying herself 

and that's enough for now

----*----

It's interesting:
I'm learning that not all thoughts need to
make you stop in your tracks and take 
their judgement's seriously 
No, sometimes you can just let a thought pass
on by...and they do, pass. 

It used to be that at the beginning of a 
potential romance, I would have a thought
like "oh, maybe I don't like that so much"
and it would catastrophize in my brain to
think it a sign of our demise, instead of 
taking it in stride, or communicating (what? novel idea!)

Same with my inner dialogue with myself
I would feel the fat on my stomach jiggle in 
the car as we drove over a bumpy road and I 
would feel fatter than I believed to be acceptable
by others and would decide my entire evening 
was therefore ruined and sulk all night

Now, I let the thoughts p a s s 
and have the wisdom to gently remind myself
it truly doesn't matter to any others who matter
to me what my belly looks like
my evening will be wonderful nonetheless

----*----

I wish I knew growing up that "love" didn't always feel like it looks like it would feel in the movies
and same with sex
that relationships and jobs and money and kids weren't all easy guarantees
that parents are people with their own failures and responsibilities to work on themselves
and if they don't own those things, it's not a reflection on you
that religion is the fraud it is and all the harm it can do (*respectfully, in my experience--no disrespect for others who have had a different experience)
I wish I knew always--especially during my teenage years--how wonderful, magical, beautiful, and worthy I was
I wish I knew 

I've long called Synecdoche, New York
my soul movie
there is this scene at the end 
a simple, tiny moment in a movie of
cacophonous, big, absurd and truthful explosions
our hero sits, deteriorating in a deteriorating world,
on a toilet, in his ear the calm voice of a woman
instructs him to "wipe"
when I first saw this moment in the movie theater
I wept severely, realizing then a need within myself
I was previously unaware of--the need of an exhausted
and lost human to be given the gift of being told
the next step to take
"wipe"
"stand up"
"eat"
It can be exhausting living in a state of never knowing 
what is coming next
how to prepare
what to do
I longed to be told

something shifted later
in my 30's--I had enough experiences
that I generally knew what happened next
the mystery disappeared
and I learned what I had once considered magical
was merely a mirage--the mystery of a moment 
that seems happenstance only because it was
orchestrated by another

so now, i kiss someone
I think: i'm kissing someone
and sometimes I forget to close my eyes
it takes a lot for me to get caught up in 
"passion" 
to feel it
instead of narrate it
"i'm kissing her"
"we're moving to the bedroom"
"I ask if I can take her shirt off"
"I take her shift off"
"I feel her breasts--they feel nice. I squeeze them."
at a certain moment--briefly here and there again--we beat against each other
breathing into each other, and it feels like sex--like raw passion
the inner voice stops narrating
but then a moment later, starts again

and each sexual encounter--with man or woman--goes on like this
in this phase in my life
my brain laying out the possible options of each next step
that will happen 
and then narrates it with a distance that keeps me from engaging fully
in the moment
that stops me from believing magic moments exist for me anymore

and i'm trying to come to terms with that
perhaps i am blocked--a self-defense from past trauma
or perhaps i am awake now and magic love is an illusion that all must put to bed
with their fairy-tales
real life is complex 

it doesn't help, of course, that with women
along with my narrative of what I am doing and what is happening
i occasionally get tuned into the conservative christian channel
their harsh, judgmental static beating up my brain
telling me what i am doing is wrong
and that i am just making up this stuff, just choosing it to be hurtful
(which even as these intrusive thoughts enter, i recognize how
intrinsically NOT me they are)

and because i still hear that
i am trying to be gentle with myself 
to give myself space and time to experience things
and not place expectations on them

to find my own center gravity
without chatter

this woman now
with whom i am engaging in my current exploration
she is kind and good and calm and her eyes twinkle when she looks at me
and i am old enough, experienced enough now to know how rare that is
i enjoy the feel of her full, warm, squishy body smashed up against mine

i enjoy that
and so i'll explore it and try not to judge myself 
or make myself name anything that doesn't feel totally true

sometimes my voice says
what if i'm straight
after all this
what if i'm straight

that voice is fear

and to that voice i want to say
i'm sorry that you were made to feel so afraid
and ashamed
you should not have been made to feel that way
but you were and you do
and it's okay

your fears are certainly valid
but they wont stop you from exploring
your truths--because that, i truly feel,
is my mission on earth--to unearth the truth
about myself
and to evolve in my beliefs--ever questioning
and putting ideas to the test and learning and growing
and loving and letting myself be loved

so, forward
and bravely!

The version of me that gets me out of bed in the morning
that is my mid-morning pick-me-up to keep going
before the coffee kicks in
that entertains the distracting thoughts of my limitations
while I cook dinner, multi-tasking with roommate conversations
and playing out work solutions in my head

that version of me is a wife and partner to 
an encouraging, supportive, and attentive spouse
where we push each other to achieve the big things
and console each other when we fail
who always believes in the best in each other
and constantly shows each other their love and care
in big and small ways daily

that version of me is a mother to
two adopted children and perhaps foster mom
to many others--she's created a loving, creative,
nurturing home full of laughter
and sometimes tears--but those tears always find 
company, comfort, and ears

she owns a house that she has made a home
and this home houses big conversations,
challenging learning opportunities, sizzling 
delicious dinners nightly, home-made plays
and galleries and concerts...
it's a refuge and it's always open to those in need 
of a safe space

she is a confident, self-sufficient woman 
who is more proud of the descriptive titles of
Mom, Wife, Advocate, and Creative
than she is of comments on her physical appearance

her life is full and she is present in it
those around her have her full trust
and she has theirs and together
they build their future
and make their little corner of the world
a little brighter

I am immensely proud of myself today.
My whole life I have clung to the phrase, "I hate conflict." Conflict makes me feel sick to my stomach. I took a naturally occurring or deeply ingrained part of myself and ingrained it further by repeating it to myself as if it were a solid, unmovable piece of who I am--"I am someone who can't handle conflict, who hates conflict, who avoids conflict"--as opposed to a characteristic that, like all characteristics, can be refined, changed, and can evolve with work and practice.
I've started telling myself a different story about myself. I've started saying, "I can do hard things" when I start to feel that knot forming in my stomach, those waves of anxiety that come with knowing something needs to be said about something that may cause conflict.
Today at one of my jobs an employee was crying because another team member had cussed and yelled at them. They said that they knew that other team member never talked to me that way (and they don't) but that they keep talking to them that way--taking their frustration out on them likely because they knew each other personally outside of the workplace. I said, "It's not okay for them to talk to you like that." I went back to my desk and thought about the situation. I thought about how they are the vulnerable party and they have tried to stand up for themselves but it wasn't working and how it would likely be more effective if I stood up for them. The parallels to the importance of white people speaking up and not accepting racist comments or acts against people of color, of men standing up and not accepting sexist comments or assault of women by other men, etc. really hitting home.
I went back to this employee and suggested a staff meeting. I said I would initiate and organize it and be by their side. They agreed. I got back to my desk and started panicking. The old narrative coming through--the knot forming. I researched tips for interoffice conflict resolution. I wrote down some thoughts and reformatted them. I heard myself say, "I can't do this." I took a breath. I replied, "I can do hard things." I contacted the team and organized a meeting. I typed up a document to hand out entitled: "Guidelines for Respectful & Effective Communication in the Workplace."
The time of the meeting came and I ran it. Calmly. Effectively. And it was so productive. I helped steer the communication towards actionable steps to improve things and establish accountability. We found resolution. I'm so freaking proud of myself for making that happen. If I hadn't, feelings would have been swept under the rug and cycles would have continued. I know there will be on-going work to be done--but establishing these guidelines gives us all a clear place to work from.
I think these guidelines are good for all people in all situations, so here they are:
Guidelines for Respectful & Effective Communication in the Workplace
1.) Assume everyone is doing their best and wants to do their job well.
2.) Treat others with respect. Respect other’s space, mental health, time constraints, and workload. 
3.) When frustrated or angry, take a deep breath and focus on finding a solution together, rather than expressing non-constructive frustration or placing blame. After the solution has been found and executed, go back over what caused the issue with distance and a clear head and implement ways to solve that issue so it doesn’t happen again in the future. Ask for help from others on the team in identifying solutions.
4.) Take responsibility for your part in any problems that occur and apologize. Accept other’s apologies and work together to find solutions. 
5.) Yelling or cussing at each other is not respectful and will not be expected to be tolerated by any member of the team from any other member of the team. 
6.) Remember daily we are all on the same team and united in our goal of serving our clients, as well as creating a stable, safe, effective, and positive workplace. Work together to create that for and with each other. 
7.) Acknowledge positive actions and encourage each other to do better each day.
And lastly, know that you can do hard things. Even if they scare you. Even if they don't come naturally to you.
You are not stuck in who you've been. You have and can continue to evolve. You can make different choices. You can choose to cultivate a new attitude and head space. You can stand up for yourself and others. You can tell a different story.

*From May, 2019:
​
My 33rd Birthday is on Sunday. I'm noticing some changes in myself. I've been making observations, like, "Oh, so that happens to me now." Last Sunday was Mother's Day. On Monday, at the office, my boss asked my co-worker how her Mother's Day was since, "She's the only Mother here" and I felt my heart shift suddenly down in a painful manor. "Oh," I thought, "so that happens to me now." I feel pain when I'm reminded that I'm not a Mother--not even close.

I've been on dating apps for a long time. Most people, it seems like, don't really want to talk after matching--they just disappear and I do too sometimes if I'm not totally sure if I'm into them and need them to make the first move--or they just want to talk and wont commit or show up to a date. I've had my settings set to just women for most of the last year or two or three (what is time???). I've just been more interested in exploring that side of myself that I've known about for a long, long time, but hadn't acted on. So I acted on it with a special woman, and it was nice, but it ended. A few times I've tried opening up my settings to women and men again and it tends to only last a short period. I know that I still have the ability to be attracted to men, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to trust them. I look at each man and try to get a read on the likelihood that he'll rape, murder, stalk, be controlling or abusive to me--I know you can't tell by how they look or what they say. I know women who've entered into relationships with a wonderful man only to have him swap personalities entirely into something controlling or abusive once the relationship evolves into something long-term. I don't trust men. I live in fear of their hidden intentions.

It's funny in a way that in my late teens and early twenties I was afraid of being judged for my attraction to women and so didn't pursue it and often did things or put myself into potentially dangerous situations with men, sometimes feeling so badly about myself or my body I felt like I didn't care what happened to me (though in retrospect I know I did--but I was in pain and needed guidance and didn't know how to ask for it). But now that I'm older, the fear of being with a bad man far, far outweighs any remaining fear of judgement or hate I may receive from dating a woman. 

I've seen too much. And I'm what would be considered one of the "lucky ones" in terms of my own personal experience. But just being a woman in the world, in America--watching the way large quantities of men have behaved towards women publicly and proudly in the last few years...watching what's happened to women in my community, my circles, hearing all the stories of the cases of families in Foster Care, seeing nearly daily in the local news that another rapist was given no jail time even for a repeat offense...it all wears on you--it's worn on me. It's validated over and over again a narrative that men can't be trusted. And I know that's a sweeping statement and sweeping statements are not true. There are good men. I do know some personally. Men I trust with my life. There's not many, but there's a few. And I don't want to be someone that meets someone and assumes anything about them based on something superficial that they can't control. I really, really don't. I try to assume the best in people--but when it comes to dating, it's hard. It's hard to be a woman on the internet---knowing how small a fuse some men have at the slightest sign of rejection. It's not worth it in most cases to throw the dice and swipe right on someone who looks fairly attractive with little information on who they are or their history of behavior--not to mention that seeing someone in a photo and in person can give you totally different vibes. 

It's just hard. So, that happens to me now.  I've developed a nearly pathological distrust of men and I would like to not have that--but I unfortunately think it's not entirely unrealistic (based on observations of the world around me) so unless men start doing better, it's going to be hard for me to trust them as much as I trust women.

And that's, by the way, not to say I find it instantly easy to trust women either. Beyond my fear of the male intention is my own fears of intimacy, of abandonment...so, that's definitely there too. And I know that women are capable of just as bad of actions as men--they just don't seem to do it at such an alarming, epidemic rate as men. So, it feels safer. It feels safer to date a woman in the bible belt than a man--things I never thought I'd say.

Also, I want to be safe now. Pretty much always. I've healed enough to care a lot what happens to me and I'm very protective of myself, even from my own mind when it reverts to mean thoughts. So that's good. Progress.

I'm more guarded now, too. I find I have less to say. The small daily ups and downs have less importance as I focus on my bigger goals. I'm less inclined to let everyone know my every emotion or thought. I'm more protective of myself--less trusting of other's. So it goes, I suppose. 

33. Wow. Not at all where I thought I'd be. There's a meme going around about how you should remind yourself of when you wanted to be where you are now. I never wanted the things I have now. The things I wanted, I didn't achieve--though I tried in every way I knew how. And now I'm on a different path, a path I didn't see coming, didn't know I would ever want. My desires are so domestic these days-- a home, a family, small creative projects, time to explore earth with my dogs or friends. I want a small, safe, happy life with a partner in every sense of the word and some children, where I am making a positive difference. It feels impossible--just as impossible as my last goal of being a working actor. Why do I never seem to have enough money? How could I ever have enough to buy a house or care for a child? That's really the big thing in my way. 

And my business--how do I make it successful? Do I have what it takes? I think, well, even if it fails to really take off and be sustainable for me to live off of...maybe at the very least, it will help me build a creative portfolio that could get me a job in that field. That's helpful to think. 

I have this desire to make a positive difference--they talk about how as a CASA we are making such a difference...I believe that--but I don't personally feel that. I don't feel like I've helped much. But I'll keep trying--there's so much to learn about everything--not just being a CASA, but in life. There is so much to learn it's incredible and overwhelming. How does anyone ever get the hang of it? I don't think people do. I'm learning that now. I don't think people do. I think people are just trying to get through it a lot more than we realize when we are so caught up in our own insecurities that we forget everyone else is feeling them all too. 

These days I think about love and if and how it exists and what it really is... I think about our brains and bodies and emotions and how we process pain and trauma and loss... I think about parenting and play out hypotheticals in my head--what if my future kid does this or says that? How will I react? What could that look like if it goes like this or that? I think about my future home and the type of space I want to create. I pin artwork for hypothetical children's room that have encouraging or insightful phrases on it to remind them of helpful things. I've started cooking...and am learning to enjoy it. So, that's me now. 

A lot of growth and in the midst of a whole lot more growth. Sometimes (daily) I'm scared that I'll fail to achieve these dreams like I failed to achieve my last ones... sometimes I'm anxious that I'm not "there" yet... but also, I realize that there's so much to learn--so much I am learning and so much more after that to learn and prepare for that will only make me a better, more capable parent, business owner, home owner, advocate, and human... this time is not being wasted. I'm working and learning and preparing and that's invaluable to the outcome--whatever it may end up being.

And whatever may end up being my future--I'll find my way to peace in it. 

I am grateful for my dogs, my bed, my home, for food and water, and parks, and online courses, and stories, and that most every day I am able to find things that make me smile, make me genuinely feel happy or comforted, and that I am able to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of who I have become.