safe and untouchable
better than the "others"
but it is all an illusion
all the same
we try to feel superior
thinking it can save us
but money can not
there is so much pain
at times i find it hard
to pretend not to see it
sometimes you have to look away
or such is the feeling--because you
fear if you do not
you will explode in your sorrow
so while i still have the privilege
of looking away sometimes
i will selfishly take it
life is hard and it hurts
days like today
(where nothing terrible is happening
in my personal life--but everyone else's
pain is pulsing through my veins--
the shaking, scared chicken i saw trembling
in a video I accidentally stumbled upon on twitter,
the children in their mother's arms seeking asylum
at the border of a country who has decided not to
be their asylum, the president telling congresswomen
to go back "to their broken countries" and
so much more...)
days like today
i find it so hard to care about
and getting money
getting that new car
buying a house
doing the "life tradition"
it all feels like such a mirage
and i start to wonder
does this happen to us all?
have people always been awake
to all this pain and terror?
or did it come into the widened consciousness
with the internet?
where do you go from here?
how do you make sense of your days?
what do you put on your to-do list to
make the most benefit of yourself on earth
to ease the most pain of others on earth
and take care of yourself the same?
i sit in my room and write
because i don't know the answers
every little thing i do to try and help
never feels enough
feels like shallow attempts so i can
feel i tried--
what can i do that will really matter?
i sit in my room and look at my walls
they seem solid
they keep the bad weather out
they keep me cool or warm
they give me privacy and make
me feel safe
but their solidness is penetrable
just as mine is
and all of it, all of us
safety is a lie
you're safe until you're not
you're here until you're gone
and all the things you do
to stay safe and nice and fine
i know people who didn't drink much
and ate pretty healthy and were active that
died far younger than others i know still living
alcoholics, smokers, reckless with their lives
but not smoking, eating healthy, exercising
getting financially wealthy
it gives us more than a feeling of safety, doesn't it?
it gives us a feeling of superiority
that we have our "shit together" in a way
and now we can advise them on how to live better
because we know
we can charge them money to tell them how to live their lives
like us, do the skills we know, look the way we look, love the way we love
but behind these 'experts'
is still sadness
and the knowledge that it doesn't matter
how much you make, how you look,
what you eat or don't eat,
how many likes or loves
you're not better
and no one "wins"
we're all just here
until we're not