i get so foggy sometimes

when it gets really bad
days can go by
before I catch myself
in a mirror or in a thought
that brings me back into myself
and I think…

where have i been?
whoa

sometimes just waking up does it
when the sounds have stalled
and stillness reigns
and the grog fades
and the re-loading of my life
begins again

i greet myself
like an alien
investigating
from the outside in

so this is who i am
how i am
what i’ve done
where i live
what body i wear

what a wonder
who’d have thunk

my body is a fluctuating mystery
i’m never quite sure what dimension it’s in
what shape it’s taken on
how it is being perceived

my feelings towards it change radically
and without warning
as if being possessed by an
outside source
like the kind that turns stoplights
red or green

it’s a good thing
i’ve stopped hanging my hat
(the hat of self-esteem)
entirely on the perception of
my appearance

that was a very bad idea i had for a while
quite a popular idea, for being such a bad one
tell the others

anyway, where was i?
who was i?
who am i?
where am i?

is that the rain i hear
softly
beating down outside today?

nice

stillness

everything stop
noises off
that constant stream
of things that seem
important

stop

all of earth’s
earthly sorrows
weighing heavily
on your focused
brow
won’t lift the weight
any from the
oppressed
injustice

so
just
take
a moment

and relax

turn off the
noise

be still

be alone

everything you
have to do
press            pause

here
n o w
in this room

Hello!

take stock

count small
blessings

are you warm enough?
cool enough?
clothed & fed?
can you breathe easily?
if so, breathe in
s l o w l y
breathe o u t

listen to the room
are there nature sounds
where you are?
is there a howling wind?
a gentle breeze?
are there birds?
the hum of an AC?

do you feel the earth moving through the air?
does a dog lick your cheek?

are you h e r e
now?

w o w
you’re incredible
i’m so glad you’re here

tell me something nice
that happened once

i saw an orangutan
save a drowning baby bird
with such gentle care
it made me cry

life can be so beautiful

one time
a friend was so delicate with
my wounded heart
he vowed to protect it
while i was unable

life can be beautiful

y o u  can make it beautiful

its okay to focus on the good
it is necessary

b r e a t h e
remember good things
stay gentle
kind
open

to do this
you have to protect
your hours of stillness
you have to stay connected
to memories of love

remember often
the love in your life
and the love you have witnessed

share it around

your fear and your anger
have their place

but don’t let it take up
the whole space

we need your
tenderness, too

now
more than
ever

we need your
tenderness, too

please go away
i whisper panicking
to my overgrown breasts

you are too much

i can’t carry you
around anymore

i lift them in my hands
amazed

in my mind i am still
flat-chested
and skinny

it’s a shock when i
see myself these days

and i am trying to reconcile
the image i see and
the weight that i feel
with the fact that i am
no longer accepting a
self-destructive mentality
a starvation & restricting mentality
a berate-myself-into-societal-submission mentality

because that is what i naturally want
to default to

but, see
i have e v o l v e d

i have rejected the notion that
i have to be this number or that size
to be “acceptable”

and there is freedom and power
and happiness in this new way of
life

but still
those grooves are deep
that tell me i am not okay
that there is no excuse for my excess fat
that i am worthless like this

the voices get dark
quick
if i let them
they want me to be in pain
they want me to hurt myself
they want me to be prettier
and lighter and
take up less space

but why the fuck why

fuck you
to any voice who spouts
such misery

what a miserable way
to live

i choose freedom and
power and
happiness

i choose being gentle
and kind and patient and
understanding
with myself

why give these qualities
only to others?

i deserve these as well

i deserve better from myself

i’m embarrassed by
how u n c o m f o r t a b l e
being loved
makes me

that someone would
deign to
t o u c h me
on purpose
and t e n d e r l y

that someone would
c h o o s e time
with me
ask me questions
want to k n o w me

i’m embarrassed by how
o v e r w h e l m i n g that is
for me

by
how r a r e
that’s been
for me

by how
s i g n i f i c a n t l y it
moves me

and
by how a c h i n g l y
it destroys me
when it g o e s

if only you knew
how easy it is
to sway me
just
be n i c e

show k i n d n e s s

i’m b l o w n
a w a y