1
Sometimes I think I was meant 
to be a fish, but
at the last minute
some wires got crossed
and I came out human

I dry out easily and quickly
Harshly--my body elicits a storm
of suffocating dryness
My swallows are filled with sand
My eyes audibly crack when I wake

I take baths like a runner struggling for air
Drown my eyes in drops
Drink water as if it were my job
but still--I run out

2
It has been an unknowable 
amount of time now
that I have been in a period of
prolonged, abnormally low 
rain fall

a drought 
of my spirit feeling full

I am good at disassociating
from myself and reality
I can do it for many lengths of time

But then wake to find
I do not recognize myself 
any more

I reset to an old image
of myself
and then am shocked 
when I see it no longer
lines up

I have been low
and dry for so long

I need to do something
now

Even artificial rain
will do

It will have to

3
The rainfall:
Here are some drops...

Fact: 
I have consistently,
throughout my life,
fought for the reality
of my most sacred dreams
and that takes a lot of courage, vision,
follow-through and dedication.

Fact:
I have survived the loss and rejection
of a parent, and family unit,
and while imperfect, I have constantly
worked to find my way to forgiveness and
love and growth through this loss.

Fact: 
I have been open to being wrong
in my world view, to learning new information
and let it change me. This takes 
humility.

Fact:
I have many times over
worked to build up fellow humans 
joy, self-esteem and well-being
by freely giving time, talent, and words
for their benefit. 

Fact: 
As much as I fail and fall into
depression and drought,
I always keep trying to overcome,
to stimulate my own motivation and
take care of myself.

Fact:
I'm smarter than I give myself credit for
and I have continued to pursue new 
knowledge as I've grown, becoming
an enthusiastic autodidact, despite my
lack of traditional education or degrees.

Fact:
I am resourceful and inventive
with creativity in spades. This is a
gift that often embarrasses me,
and is hard for me to claim with pride or to
acknowledge its worth...nevertheless, I keep
putting it out there. I keep trying to claim
the acceptance of these gifts as gifts in the world,
even as it makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Fact:
I am capable of being
very funny. I have made an audience
of hundreds laugh. 

Fact:
I am a very good
listener.

Fact:
I always try to give 
everyone the benefit of the doubt,
to see other people's point of view,
I forgive easily and quickly--something
that I have had to work at doing.

Fact:
I have turned 
other humans "on."
I have elicited a romantic
response in other humans.

Fact:
I am worthy of love,
respect, affection, honesty,
good communication,
and care. 

Fact:
The absence of my ability
to believe that any of these
things are true, does not render
them false. And the acceptance that
all these things are true, does not
negate all negative impairments of 
my humanity. 

We are all full of pros and cons.
The best you can aim for is the acknowledgement
of both, and consistently work towards not just self-betterment, 
but the betterment of skills that add to 
the betterment of this world.

Fact:
This year I have dedicated myself
to learning what it means to be an
advocate, to take responsibility for
a problem I did not create, that does not
impact my life, but that afflicts my community 
and that I have the capacity to help improve.

i asked myself
for permission
to be as depressed
as i am
to really feel it
and accept it
to wave the white flag
and say
oh
here i am
okay

at work today
my co-worker talked about
a recent day she stayed home
from work with her sick dog
and how it was beautiful weather that day 
but she was so depressed about the dog
she closed the blinds and 
took a nap

i thought, huh
that's every day
for me--
am i depressed?

i hadn't really thought of it
as such
because i find not thinking of things
as such
renders them more acceptable
and you tend to believe things are fine
which is helpful in not feeling 
not-fine, i find

anyway, i've been eating a lot
not sleeping and then sleeping a lot
mostly, just constantly horizontal in bed
or longing to be
in the semi-dark, alone

it's not bad, though
like, it feels good
it's a relief 

so

how can that be depression?
that thing that's supposed to make you feel sad
or nothing

maybe it's not

what it is 
is a bottomless lethergy
an inability to focus
or to physically animate my body
into motion

what it is 
is piled dishes
and un-walked dogs
and waves of guilt
and people-fatigue
and not talking for long bouts of time
and retreating
and putting things off

i don't want to talk 
i don't want to be with people
i don't want to be seen
i don't want to exist in the world
(not die) just not have a body
or brain for a while--hang them up like
a winter coat in the back of the closet
for summer

i just want this bubble i've built
of blankets and warm-bodied dogs
snuggled against me
a dark, cool room
with stories to be consumed for all the rest of time
and endless food and potential for rest

then, in bouts and bursts
i eventually always get myself motivated into action
i do the things needed to be done
and either do them because they need it bad enough
or because i finally feel the urge to do them
and then i give--i give all of myself, my talents, my time and more
i give it all away for free a lot
work without sleep around the clock
it comes off as easy
it's not, it's compulsive
i can't stop until it's done
it bothers me like a kick in the groin
a swollen mosquito bite itching under the skin
i have to finish and i can't stop until i do
i give everything
i ask for nothing, often, in return
and why

because i want to give
i want to make happiness for others 
because i want them to think good things of me
to help them see good things in themselves
because i enjoy the work
because creating gives me purpose and joy
because i don't believe i deserve to ask for anything back
because i don't believe in my worth enough to speak on its behalf

and then i get spent
and i droop and dwindle into 
the bed-puddle of a being that
stays put and watches TV
and pretends not to "be"
and feels like crying
feels it like a pimple pressing against a swollen surface
feels it in the throat, a scream
that never comes

i'm not depressed
no, i'm inactive
i'm in a stasis 
waiting for the next wave
the next phase of my creative cicle
when i will feel brave and bold and full again
ready to give again
and then i will give again until i am empty again

and maybe one day i will be given to without asking
and maybe one day i will be brave enough to ask
and maybe one day i will be given to
and filled up 
rather than 
drained

and i wonder (and i doubt)
if that will help keep me full longer
or if i will still run out just as quick
but be richer

"rich" is such an empty word to me
i know money only as a need i work to meet
with hourly jobs because i fear homelessness and hunger
but not as an aspiration or validation of my creative work

still, do i not deserve financial validation for my work?
probably...but i'm too exhausted to explore the ins and outs 
of that now

so, just shut up (me)
and 
let me be,
puddle-y
though i am

i'll find my way to solid again
i'll figure it out
just not now
now i need to rest
i need to rest until i can cry out loud
until i can stand up
until i can speak
until i can bare to be seen
until i can hoist up my flesh and bones
and spirit into a form that can actively
be

just

i'm
not there

yet

now? nap s

1. "I'm in AWE of you."

2. "Have we been talking for that long?"
    (Inside joke.)
    (Bottomless laughter.)
                             
3. "I like watching you when you don't know I'm watching you. Drinking wine, walking across the room. That's how I know I'm in love with you. I could watch you brush your teeth and it's the best thing ever."

4. "I'm wet."

5. "This is what we're doing: We're falling in love."

6. "I can't wait until tomorrow. Let's meet up tonight."

7. "I can see myself beaming with pride saying, "That's my wife."

8. "I feel so embarrassed about last night. I'm so sorry. Take as much space as you need."

9. "It's stupid to be upset about this."
   "No, you're valid. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

10. "Can I just say, when you're on the phone saying the phrase, "I'm gonna let you go" ...you're making it sound like you're doing me a favor, when really what you're saying is, "I need to leave for my own personal reasons." You know what I mean?"

11. "Is that what you need from me right now?

12. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess right now."

13. "Maybe we should take a break?"

14. "I don't want to be with anyone else."

15. "Can we call the breakup off? I know it was my idea, but it stinks. It's no good and it's awful, and I love you."

16. "I think this is for the best. I just need some space for me."

17. "I don't know how anyone gets through this. It hurts too much."
     (Uncontrollable sobbing.)

18. (TIME)

19. "Hey. I just wanted to see how you are doing. I love seeing your facebook posts. I hope we can be friends."

20. "Honestly? I'm so over it now, I hardly remember what all the fuss was about."

My thoughts turn cruel towards you
because they can't do what they're supposed to do:
Love, cherish, and fall all over themselves
in pursuit of you

A symphonic whine, is my heart's favorite song
I make myself sick at the sincerity of its
sentimentality--so I choke myself out with a
displaced rhythm beating on the drums
of my skin