what
have you to
hold on to
when
money flies away
and there are bills to pay
and you cannot ask for help
and your spirit's shriveling
what more
do you have to give
when you work twelve hour days
but still don’t have enough
to cover the costs
and your spirit is shriveling
and you’ve never been in love
and you are 28
and living with your mom
and your greatest dreams
have never come
and none of the things you were told about
came
and you’re actually trying to do it all right
and you’re failing, really failing
but still you keep trying
and you hope
and that’s all you have to hold on to
that at some point you’ll have weathered the storm
and you won’t have lost everyone and everything
in the process
and you’ll be young enough still to 
enjoy it for a moment
before you die 

moments are the saving things
that keep us together through the destruction times
moments of nice things
bath water
beautiful words
laughter shared
when you struggle not to cry and are seen struggling and comforted without asking, and without pity or even advice, just comforted because you are loved and deserve comfort in the trying times of life
nice moments when you go, GOD THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, THIS IS LIVING, 
THIS IS LIFE
THIS LITTLE MOMENT RIGHT HERE
THIS INCONSEQUENTIAL THING, INVISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE,
UNDOCUMENTED IN HISTORY BOOKS
THIS MOMENT
GIVES ME 
HOPE
PEACE
LIGHT and 
LOVE

because, oh god, it’s tough out here
on this spinning blue dot in the black of space
and logic rarely seems to cure
the illogical terms of living here

life swims
do you know what i mean?
the current is strong
and every second
flows on
the river of life
doesn’t stop for anyone
and it can feel like racing sometimes
like a surge
like a tsunamic force
pushing us beyond what
we feel we can stand
so we grab for stray branches
to slow us down
and sometimes cut limbs
get a pierce in the gut
when you fight it
you will struggle
and you still will not win
the force is too strong
and you are too small
other times the going is slow
and you flail your arms and legs
trying to pick up the pace
but there is no sprinting
in wild waters
you must go at the speed of the flow
you are given
that’s life

-silence-

the necessary thing
that sifts our beings
out of fog
and
into clarity

i’m reaching today
from inside
for something undefined

i feel it as an anger
that tenses up my face

i groan and flail
my butt in seat
my contempt as loud
and large as whales

i do not know what
saddens me
or from what seed
this anger grows

-silence-

i’m listening for answers
waiting for peace to come
the anger quiets in the absence of others
leaving only careful, lonely pause

the desire to hold on 
to keep this silent moment going
uninterrupted
and pure
not ad any more confusion to it

i’m stuck in a place of 
homesickness
but i’m not homesick for 
any home
nor any place
i’ve ever been
not even any one

i’m aching for the things 
i’ve never done
the places i’ve never been
the homes not yet lived in

i'm filled 
to the beast
in anger
sadness
sickness
longing
and
-silence-
for what’s to come

the bittersweet
hanging
uncertainty
of dreams
that may come true or 
simply come undone

it lives in the chest
it’s a swelling feeling
warm
constricting, but not in a bad way
more like a hug
it’s tight in the throat 
and wet in the eyes
it shakes the hands
and legs
while the brain bounces
with each grateful thought

it’s opening night
and we put on a show
we told the stories of our lives
our happiest moments
our most embarrassing
the meaningful
and painful ones we’ve survived
our stories were received
in the vaults of all the hearts
sitting in the seats

and while i sat there in my light
a deep connection 
to my human roots flowed through me
as the audience’s energy fueled me…
we have been telling our stories
since the beginning of time
and the honor of being chosen
for even one night
as one of the story-tellers
touches me deeply

and the truth is
that it gives so much more back to me
a well of empathy and understanding
the ability to laugh at myself
to share with people who feel alone
and say, “you are not alone”
this is our history
these feelings
these stories
and at the end of the night
once we’ve made it through
together
the thing that fills me most
is love

it lives in the chest
it’s a swelling feeling
warm
constricting, but not in a bad way
more like a hug
it’s tight in the throat
and wet in the eyes
it shakes the hands
and legs
while the brain bounces
with each grateful thought

i am so lucky
and, if i may,
just these two last things:

THANK YOU.

And, my god, we’ve been through so much.