Andie Bottrell
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Soft Asleep

6/30/2015

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*I wrote this poem while listening to this song...feel free to listen as you read.
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Picture
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One Canvas, Three Expressions

6/24/2015

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The Post-It Poem

6/23/2015

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click boom zap

6/21/2015

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The Guilt of Being an Average Girl

6/19/2015

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Picture
the guilt of being
an average girl
is that when i
take my clothes off
i suppress the urge
to apologize
for all my flaws
and when i dare
to express myself
with confidence
a cold aftertaste is
left in my mouth
that tells me 
to be ashamed
when i breathe too hard
hiking steps or
sweat too much or
don’t wear make-up
or wear too much
or struggle with my words
i can see in split-screen
our society’s expectation
of “the girl”
and beside it i sit
wholly not even close
to it
and i can say
FUCK OFF to it 
because it’s unrealistic
for all but those few
weird unicorns
but when no one 
loves you in that way
you start to say to yourself
it’s because you are not
that weirdly perfect unicorn 
every day
now personally
i’ve developed a taste
for the flaws in humans--
it’s a gap tooth i’d love
to sink my teeth into— 
and i’ll do my own work
and i’m doing my own work
to doubt my own beauty
and worth less
but the pressure still
exists and will continue to
unless we all work to
stop perpetuating this lie
or apparition 
that is the image of
“the girl”


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Like That

6/18/2015

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like that
it’s already over
before it began

i told myself
the whole drive up
to calm down

i told myself stories
of all the things
that could go wrong

sure, in between
i’d dream up all the ways
in which it could go right

but i always made sure
to kill my own buzz
before i got too high

the truth?
it wasn’t as good as i hoped
but i chalked it up to nerves
and pressure
telling myself
not to dream too big
just the presence of him
would be enough i told myself
and then
got swiftly lost within his eyes

when we left
i didn’t want to dare to dream any longer
not if it could never happen
so i asked for resolution while 
showing my cards in full
“I’m totally into you”

his blushing text reply
was civil but frank
the summary being
“No, thanks"

so another one down
and i don’t want to dwell
or obsess 
or feel this way
…
but i feel this way
of course i feel this way

i cancelled plans with friends
“sick”
sick in the heart
crawled into bed
laid my head
tried not to think anymore

the tears came today
unexpected
in the car
my appetite left
the numbed out pain came
the suicidal thoughts tempting my name
of course I don’t listen to them with
any degree of seriousness

i’m doing okay

i knew i shouldn’t have hoped so much
but it was just one of those things that
seemed almost destined—that my brain was
pinging off of some love nerve
and then he just happened to be paying attention to me
and reaching out and it seemed like maybe
his brain was doing the same for me

such a rare thing

such a beautiful levity, like flying when it feels
the sparks are charging in the air
conspiring to bring two people
who both feel that special electricity
around each other

it hurts most of all
because i was reminded
how spectacular life can
be when you’re in love
when someone looks at you
and you have someone to look to
and it’s not so lonely anymore
inside your head

and god, it aches within me

and god, it pains me and scares me
that i haven’t found that yet
that it’s been so rare for me
that maybe i’m just not the kind
who can be loved in that way
(with desire)

all my life i’ve wondered, waiting
who will find my life special
who will get me and appreciate me
is there not even one who can that way?

i really try not to get too down about it
because life must go on—if you’re not going to kill yourself,
and i’m not going to kill myself, because
when i’m not recently reminded of how wonderful
life can feel when super-charged with love
i can get high enough to sustain me when creating
and re-creating love through art

but goddamn, i say, 

and then i’ll end this
(wretched poem that it is)

goddamn…
to be someone’s
somebody
to be looked at
in that way...

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    About

    Hey! I'm Andie Bottrell, a multidisciplinary creative living in Springfield, MO. I share stories (autobiographical and fictional), poems, and other creative or personal musings here. 

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