I avoid confrontation at nearly all costs
One tactic I, personally, like to use is to
1.) Take 1 person who has made me feel bad feelings
2.) Mix it in a bowl with their point of view and my own insecurities 
until what they did to make me feel bad is actually my fault
3.) Bake at 450 degrees for 20 minutes
4.) Swallow full responsibility for their actions and my feelings 
5.) Sprinkle on a reminder of all their good qualities
6.) Move on and try to never think of it again 

When I find that I must say something to someone
I prefer to do so in writing so that I can write, breathe, erase
and try another phrasing out of their earshot so as not to escalate 
either of our emotions, if possible, and work in numerous reminders
of validation betwixt words of standing up for my own perspective

I then feel nauseous and sick with anxiety from the moment I hit "send"
until they respond

In some small percentage of conversations, I have been able to say something 
                          in                      the                     moment
I have confronted my fear of confrontation HEAD ON
My feelings feebly struggling to stand on their feet in direct opposition to another's
feelings whom I also care about but who has hurt me
And I feel sick and shaky the whole time--have to fight the urge to just lay on my back
like a dog and offer my belly and
apologize for having an opposing point of view or for 
having any feelings at all

I think my ability to empathize with others and consider viewpoints other than my own
is a strength--but I also recognize that I can take it too far and abandon myself for the other team
or shut down all together, recoil into my shell and say, "People are far too hard to interact with!
No more people! Only dogs!"

Often I find myself asking: Well, what's the worst that can happen?
That usually seems like a logical question to ask fear, but in this case
the worst that can happen is that the person never speaks to you again,
disowns you, and is your father. Ope, there it is. 

Root f e a r

Loss o n e

The start of my shrinking indifference to self
was actually the last moment I most proudly stood up
for myself

It's been over a decade since then and in the echo of his absence
has been space that's been occupied by various other people 
with opposing views and when the friction of new conflict rubs
at a high enough frequency, the echo chamber howls in pain
as I clutch at my feelings telling them to quiet down so
we don't loose another one

acting came to me in a dream last night
visited like a long lost friend
who died years ago but 
whom you always dream about
on their birthday each year

it asked if I missed it
and seduced me into performing a monologue
it held my hand and gave me a tour of 
auditions past, present, and future

I scrolled instagram and saw a post of 
actor's headshots and
c r i n g e d

the same feeling of nauseousness
that accompanied my loss of religion
years ago

having seen too much
i can't go back
my taste buds fell off and
the new ones that replaced them
can't stomach the taste of the business

i'm in a moment of heightened feelings
due to personal and professional circumstances
at present
i cried last night and a bit this morning
the thought of doing an Alma monologue
sounds good, freeing

the smell of the wood boards of a theatre
sounds comforting

the slipping into another skin,
a dream

the coffee at rehearsal and dog-eared pages
of a new script being worn in
sounds like home

I think i'll find my way back again
but it will be different
and i'm okay with that

my old lover and i 
have aged