a lesson in asking for help

today
a lesson in accepting help
 
last night
at the mudlounge
in conversation with
good friend johnny
 
the topic
of a missed opportunity
a failure to communicate
properly
 
and then
the reflection on the cause
a question he posed:
“why can’t you ask for help?”
 
i don’t know
 
“what could it be?”
 
maybe
because i feel too vulnerable
 
when i need help
i’m already depleted
and to risk rejection
by asking for assistance
feels like it leaves me
too likely to
collapse into
total worthlessness
 
he asked me:
“what is something i can do to help you this week?”
and i squirmed in my seat
“this is already making me feel very uncomfortable.”
“really? scale of 1 to 5?”
“4.5”
 
he expressed in words i do not remember
but a feeling i will never forget
--that i was supported--
--that i didn’t have to be alone unless i chose to be--
--that i could ask for help and know i would not be rejected
or perceived as burdensome--
--that i mattered and was loved--
and this knowledge burst the damn
until all water poured out
and my core shook the
remaining crumbs loose
 
and he waited
in his discomfort of my emotional outburst
until we returned to
our usual coping jokes
and characters
 
and today
he arrived
and carried my heavy ladder inside
and helped me build a mass grave
for my four dead vacuum cleaners
 
he helped me
 
it’s scary to ask, it’s scary to receive
but one day you’re the helper
the next you're the help-ee
 
that’s the necessary pattern of life
and to opt-out 
even for fear of being burdensome
denies a human intimacy
that is intricately required
to sustain life