Andie Bottrell
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A Woman's Body

3/10/2016

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Picture
part of turning 30 this year is
i just don't want to 
talk about
  think about
      hear about
fat and women's bodies
             and my own body
from outside or
             inside my mind
i don't want to be 
so          self-conscious 
about looking fat
     in a photo that
i can't see that 
     in the picture
i'm exuding some 
deeper,
  actual,
     sincere,
beautiful human emotion

i don't want to feel like
working out and eating healthy
are burdens placed upon me
              requirements to be met
for love and notoriety

i want to eat good food
and feel good
work my body in ways
​that express what needs expressing
feel strong and capable
                      and energetic

i don't want to let
my self-worth fluctuate
because of automatic calculations
that compare any image i see of myself
against every other image society
holds up of what a successful, liked,
loved, healthy, sexy woman should be

i've come a long way from my adolescence
and, to be honest, having
public figures who embrace their figures
and more importantly their womanhood
in all its different forms and variations
has been a huge contributor to this personal growth

i look at Lena Dunham and see the life she's created,
her art, her body, which she shares without shame
inside of her art, and more than anything,
i think it was the    lack of shame     she exhibited
while being naked inside of a square where
women are typically not allowed to look
anything less than one, narrow version of
"perfect" that made all the difference

i am not that perfect
i have tried to be
and failed
not because of how i looked
but because of how i looked at myself

currently i wish i looked better
but more importantly,  i  like  who  i  am
i see more worth in who i am and 
what i can give and create than in
                                   what i look like
and that's a nice feeling
my days are much more enjoyable
and fulfilling 
but it's still a fight some days
to remind myself

i think, as women, one of the
best ways we can
help each other overcome decades
of conditioning
is by wearing our bodies  b o l d y
and unapologetically
by shamelessly holding our self worth
in our own hands and acknowledging 
all the different things that make us
feel sexy, full, empowered, and strong

i get so sad when i take a photograph of 
a woman and i see her light and  l o v e  and
happiness in it, the essence of who they are,
and then, when i show it to them, they only see their  f l a w s 
the wrinkles, the aging, the blemish, the fat
and i get even sadder knowing that
the subconscious panic at the root of this
tree of self-critical hate
is the very real fear that no one would 
be able to see them like that, with those flaws
and be able to love them
that makes me not just sad but angry
at a world that has created this life-altering fear
in very young girls
to sell products

so, let me just say this
to both myself and you
because we all know it, but we also forget it 
from       time       to       time
humans are most beautiful 
when they shine straight through their skin
                from    the     heart
and anyone who can't see that
needs a few more trips around the sun
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    About

    Hey! I'm Andie Bottrell, a multidisciplinary creative living in Springfield, MO. I share stories (autobiographical and fictional), poems, and other creative or personal musings here. 

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