acting came to me in a dream last night

acting came to me in a dream last night
visited like a long lost friend
who died years ago but 
whom you always dream about
on their birthday each year

it asked if I missed it
and seduced me into performing a monologue
it held my hand and gave me a tour of 
auditions past, present, and future

I scrolled instagram and saw a post of 
actor's headshots and
c r i n g e d

the same feeling of nauseousness
that accompanied my loss of religion
years ago

having seen too much
i can't go back
my taste buds fell off and
the new ones that replaced them
can't stomach the taste of the business

i'm in a moment of heightened feelings
due to personal and professional circumstances
at present
i cried last night and a bit this morning
the thought of doing an Alma monologue
sounds good, freeing

the smell of the wood boards of a theatre
sounds comforting

the slipping into another skin,
a dream

the coffee at rehearsal and dog-eared pages
of a new script being worn in
sounds like home

I think i'll find my way back again
but it will be different
and i'm okay with that

my old lover and i 
have aged