like that
it’s already over
before it began
i told myself
the whole drive up
to calm down
i told myself stories
of all the things
that could go wrong
sure, in between
i’d dream up all the ways
in which it could go right
but i always made sure
to kill my own buzz
before i got too high
the truth?
it wasn’t as good as i hoped
but i chalked it up to nerves
and pressure
telling myself
not to dream too big
just the presence of him
would be enough i told myself
and then
got swiftly lost within his eyes
when we left
i didn’t want to dare to dream any longer
not if it could never happen
so i asked for resolution while
showing my cards in full
“I’m totally into you”
his blushing text reply
was civil but frank
the summary being
“No, thanks"
so another one down
and i don’t want to dwell
or obsess
or feel this way
…
but i feel this way
of course i feel this way
i cancelled plans with friends
“sick”
sick in the heart
crawled into bed
laid my head
tried not to think anymore
the tears came today
unexpected
in the car
my appetite left
the numbed out pain came
the suicidal thoughts tempting my name
of course I don’t listen to them with
any degree of seriousness
i’m doing okay
i knew i shouldn’t have hoped so much
but it was just one of those things that
seemed almost destined—that my brain was
pinging off of some love nerve
and then he just happened to be paying attention to me
and reaching out and it seemed like maybe
his brain was doing the same for me
such a rare thing
such a beautiful levity, like flying when it feels
the sparks are charging in the air
conspiring to bring two people
who both feel that special electricity
around each other
it hurts most of all
because i was reminded
how spectacular life can
be when you’re in love
when someone looks at you
and you have someone to look to
and it’s not so lonely anymore
inside your head
and god, it aches within me
and god, it pains me and scares me
that i haven’t found that yet
that it’s been so rare for me
that maybe i’m just not the kind
who can be loved in that way
(with desire)
all my life i’ve wondered, waiting
who will find my life special
who will get me and appreciate me
is there not even one who can that way?
i really try not to get too down about it
because life must go on—if you’re not going to kill yourself,
and i’m not going to kill myself, because
when i’m not recently reminded of how wonderful
life can feel when super-charged with love
i can get high enough to sustain me when creating
and re-creating love through art
but goddamn, i say,
and then i’ll end this
(wretched poem that it is)
goddamn…
to be someone’s
somebody
to be looked at
in that way...
it’s already over
before it began
i told myself
the whole drive up
to calm down
i told myself stories
of all the things
that could go wrong
sure, in between
i’d dream up all the ways
in which it could go right
but i always made sure
to kill my own buzz
before i got too high
the truth?
it wasn’t as good as i hoped
but i chalked it up to nerves
and pressure
telling myself
not to dream too big
just the presence of him
would be enough i told myself
and then
got swiftly lost within his eyes
when we left
i didn’t want to dare to dream any longer
not if it could never happen
so i asked for resolution while
showing my cards in full
“I’m totally into you”
his blushing text reply
was civil but frank
the summary being
“No, thanks"
so another one down
and i don’t want to dwell
or obsess
or feel this way
…
but i feel this way
of course i feel this way
i cancelled plans with friends
“sick”
sick in the heart
crawled into bed
laid my head
tried not to think anymore
the tears came today
unexpected
in the car
my appetite left
the numbed out pain came
the suicidal thoughts tempting my name
of course I don’t listen to them with
any degree of seriousness
i’m doing okay
i knew i shouldn’t have hoped so much
but it was just one of those things that
seemed almost destined—that my brain was
pinging off of some love nerve
and then he just happened to be paying attention to me
and reaching out and it seemed like maybe
his brain was doing the same for me
such a rare thing
such a beautiful levity, like flying when it feels
the sparks are charging in the air
conspiring to bring two people
who both feel that special electricity
around each other
it hurts most of all
because i was reminded
how spectacular life can
be when you’re in love
when someone looks at you
and you have someone to look to
and it’s not so lonely anymore
inside your head
and god, it aches within me
and god, it pains me and scares me
that i haven’t found that yet
that it’s been so rare for me
that maybe i’m just not the kind
who can be loved in that way
(with desire)
all my life i’ve wondered, waiting
who will find my life special
who will get me and appreciate me
is there not even one who can that way?
i really try not to get too down about it
because life must go on—if you’re not going to kill yourself,
and i’m not going to kill myself, because
when i’m not recently reminded of how wonderful
life can feel when super-charged with love
i can get high enough to sustain me when creating
and re-creating love through art
but goddamn, i say,
and then i’ll end this
(wretched poem that it is)
goddamn…
to be someone’s
somebody
to be looked at
in that way...
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