i deserve better from myself

please go away
i whisper panicking
to my overgrown breasts

you are too much

i can’t carry you
around anymore

i lift them in my hands
amazed

in my mind i am still
flat-chested
and skinny

it’s a shock when i
see myself these days

and i am trying to reconcile
the image i see and
the weight that i feel
with the fact that i am
no longer accepting a
self-destructive mentality
a starvation & restricting mentality
a berate-myself-into-societal-submission mentality

because that is what i naturally want
to default to

but, see
i have e v o l v e d

i have rejected the notion that
i have to be this number or that size
to be “acceptable”

and there is freedom and power
and happiness in this new way of
life

but still
those grooves are deep
that tell me i am not okay
that there is no excuse for my excess fat
that i am worthless like this

the voices get dark
quick
if i let them
they want me to be in pain
they want me to hurt myself
they want me to be prettier
and lighter and
take up less space

but why the fuck why

fuck you
to any voice who spouts
such misery

what a miserable way
to live

i choose freedom and
power and
happiness

i choose being gentle
and kind and patient and
understanding
with myself

why give these qualities
only to others?

i deserve these as well

i deserve better from myself