and a little confusion.
How did I get here?
When did it happen?
I remember being excited and disappointed
and feeling like I was stuck,
while life collapsed
and sped past me.
I ran, trying to keep up.
I remember often feeling like
I wasn't measuring up to someone's expectations
(maybe they were my own)
and there was a clock,
this impatient metronome,
that kept reminding me
I was off-rhythm and out of tune.
I remember trying to do everything right,
trying so hard, changing so much
that I abandoned myself
for what I perceived to be needed.
I remember pain
and I remember love.
I remember dreaming and I remember realizing
the dream wasn't going to come true.
I remember when I stopped
being able to see a future.
Days of hoping I would die.
I remember remembering things I liked,
like they were strangers
- it still kind of feels like that sometimes.
I remember admitting defeat
and how the hardest thing to say
was the thing that made the future
blossom back into sight.
I remember longing
and wondering if I would ever be loved.
I remember finding and feeling love;
then, fearing and losing love.
Today I do not long for what has been,
for what I've had,
for what I've lost,
for what I want.
I do not hear the metronome.
I do not fear the dreams that may or may not come.
I am here and here is safe.
Here is quiet.
Here is the culmination of all the days I've lived.
I'm grateful for the questions yet unanswered,
for the things I do not have -
it means there is somewhere to go.
I am grateful for where and who I've been
and how I've tried and what I've learned.
I am at peace at home.
I am full alone.