FAT: A Thought Process

there is a grace
that i extend to others
that i will not give to myself

tonight, in costume
ready for theatre, for slipping into
character when

that old brick wall
popped up
stared back at me in the mirror

holy fuck
is that me?
is that my belly?

not acceptable

when did you let it get like that?

oh, right
all those late and lonely nights
in bed with snacks--snacks because snacks
feel better than being alone with tears and screams

the inner work stacks up
and i've been too busy with the responsibilities of outer work
to do the kind of inner cleaning required for not leaning on food
to cope

well, so
i look at instagram
i follow a good grouping now

a diverse and positive
and perspective-offering group
and i see these curvy, belly-full women

and they are beautiful, still

and i look back at the mirror
and i am not, yet

i examine several angels
position my body in different ways
suck in, hold my breath

relax, watch it grow
i burst inside
i stare into my eyes

okay, maybe
beauty there
maybe 

i don't know...
and what exactly am i aiming for
with this specific set of beauty rules

i'm so quick to bemoan myself
for not following them
yet further investigation reveals

within them, perhaps i do not belong

they are not mine
they were pressed upon me
at birth

but they are not from ancestors
not from mother earth
not from spirit, soul, or gut

they are from green
from money, envy, greed
they are for purchases and

i am not a product
i am not a broken plastic thing
to fix

i am human
a human giving love and living
with bountiful worths and feeling

and that is enough

that is enough

that is enough

for fucks sake
that is enough

say it until your 
breath aches