This one-act was written as part of The Vagrancy's Rituals: A Bacchanalia (24 hour play festival). I received the above prompt with my theme (Fear), my image, and a sentence I would have to use in the play. I was also assigned a director and two actors and given their headshots. I received all of this at 8pm on Friday evening and had to turn the play in no later than 8am on Saturday morning for the actors and director to begin rehearsing. And at 8pm Saturday night they performed it to a packed house! It was a terrific experience!
FEAR by Andie Bottrell
SETTING: Lucinda’s Stomach - Current Day
CHARACTERS:
GARY SINTARY - Middle-aged, low self-esteem, rageful tendencies, always serious, husband of Lucinda.
MIKE O’TOOL - Middle-aged, always smiling, a nervous giggler, excited about everything everything everything, is having an affair with Lucinda.
ACT I
A middle-aged man, GARY SINTARY, slides onto stage with great force, as if having just plummeted down a great depth. He screams as he lands and examines the dark empty space with equal parts horror and confusion. He also examines himself to make sure he is not injured- checking his limbs and head.
GARY
Are you kidding me?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. You fucking ATE ME!? HEY! HEY!
He pounds on the walls and floors.
GARY
LET ME OUT OF HERE! Lucinda! Lucidna, you let me out of here right this minute! If you don't open up that big yapper of yours and burp me up right this minute I'll- I'll... Well, I'll tell you what I'll do... I'll...
He frantically looks around.
GARY
I'm gonna...
He finds a chair, holds it up, looks at it, considers options, slams it down and as he does so hits his funny bone. He yelps and rubs it.
GARY
Oh! Funny bone!
His face shows the inner workings of an idea.
GARY
Funny bone. Funny bone- Hey, Lucinda! You still chronically ticklish? Hey, let's find out!
He lifts a finger and begins to tickle the walls and floor. He tickles more and more, gaining confidence in his plan.
GARY
Remember our wedding night? Every time I touched you, you erupted into a fit of laughter, your body convulsing- contorting in ticklish discomfort. Yeah, it was cute that first time, but after that it just got frustrating as HELL!
A scream fast approaches and suddenly another middle-aged man, MIKE O'TOOL, enters the same way as Gary, and barges into him.
The two men stare at each other for several moments, like a pair of wild animals encountering each other in the wild.
Mike eventually extends his hand.
MIKE
Mike O'Tool.
Gary does the same.
GARY
Gary Sintary.
MIKE
Oh, Gary! I've heard of you. Neat. Yeah. Neat. I'm Mike! (pause) Mike.
Gary shakes his head.
GARY
Sorry. How do you know Lucinda?
MIKE
Oh, well... (he laughs)
GARY
What's so funny?
MIKE
Nothing, it's just.... it's a little awkward is all.
GARY
Yeah.
They both look around.
MIKE
I thought it'd be slimier in here! You know, gooey? Bloody? Something!
GARY
Yeah. So, how do you know Lucinda?
MIKE
Oh- uh, well... (he laughs) We're sort of dating.
GARY
You and Lucinda?
MIKE
Yeah. Yeah. She's sweet, isn't she?
GARY
Yeah.
MIKE
And legs for days, huh?
GARY
Uh huh.
MIKE
And those breasts...
GARY
Right.
MIKE
But I tell you what- it's the personality that I love the most. That's a prize winning personality she's got. Hey- you ever notice how she's ticklish on every part of her body?
Gary stares at him.
MIKE
Like- like, you could be stroking her hair and she'll burst out laughing! It's so adorable. Ah, yeah, she's the cutest, huh?
GARY
Yeah. (pause) Listen, here, buddy.
MIKE
It's Mike. Mike!
GARY
Mike. Right.
Gary pulls Mike close and under his arm, gripping him tightly.
GARY
She's mine, Mike. You got that? Mine. You see this? You see this? Huh?
Gary shows him his wedding ring. Mike struggles to get away.
MIKE
Oh, sure. Eh, sure. No, she- and I want you to know this- she told be about you. Oh yeah. She was upright and straight with me. Yeah. And hey, she really likes you. She really does. Well...
He looks around.
MIKE
She liked you, anyway. What did you do?
GARY
What do you mean?
MIKE
Well, I mean, she wouldn't just eat you for no reason, right? Like, me? I know why she ate me. Saw it comin' a mile away. Don't know why I came anyway. Must have been that prize winning personality- couldn't stay away! Am I right? Am I right?
GARY
Yeah. The personality.
MIKE
So, what happened?
Gary looks around. Mike looks around. Gary sits, defeated with a sigh. Mike nods and sits next to him.
GARY
She caught me with another woman.
MIKE
Another woman? Oh, shit man.
GARY
Yeah. But now- NOW!
He gestures at Mike.
MIKE
Right! She had no right to eat you when she's- she's no better! She's sneaking off with me- despicable. Just disgusting. It's disgusting's what it is!
GARY
And I-
MIKE
No right! She's got no right, Gary. What she did to you... shameful.
GARY
It's just that I haven't been feeling very-
Mike puts his finger to Gary's lips.
MIKE
Let me guess. You were about to say "sexy" weren't you? That's what you were gonna say, weren't you? "Sexy."
GARY
Well, not exactly-
MIKE
You don't feel attractive anymore, Gary. And that's a problem. That's a problem because you're a very attractive man. I mean, GOD, look at you! Just look at you!
Gary looks down.
MIKE
Yeah! Come on and stand up- let's get a better view of that magnificent man meat you've got going on there.
Gary hesitently stands and Mike spins him around.
MIKE
Yeah, Gary! You listen to me- you do not let this woman defeat you. You are a sexy ass man, okay? Say it!
GARY
I'm sexy.
MIKE
Say it louder! Make her hear it! I'M A SEXY ASS MAN!
GARY
I'M A SEXY ASS MAN!
MIKE
Yeah!
Mike pulls Gary close to him.
MIKE
Let me tell you something you may not realize, Gary. There is one major contributor to the middle-aged crisis, and that is sex.
GARY
Yeah.
MIKE
And let me tell you another thing. M.A.C.'s are NOT your fault. It's a disease!
GARY
M.A.C.'s?
MIKE
Middle-Aged Crisises. Yeah, just this year they got upgraded to a Disease. Not responsible, man! You're not responsible. It's the chemicals in your brain making your fuck other women, making you feel inadaquete and unsexy. 'Cause let me tell you man... I'd do you. I'd hit that. Rarrrrrrrr.
GARY
Alright! Enough- get off me!
Gary pushes Mike aside. Gary goes to the opposite side of the area. He looks over his shoulder at Mike.
GARY
Do you mind?
MIKE
What?
GARY
I'd like a little privacy with my wife.
MIKE
Oh, oh sure. I'll just...
He covers his ears and hums.
GARY
Lucinda. Lucinda! Listen, I know I haven't been an ideal husband lately. To be honest, you haven't exactly been an ideal wife. But listen- I don't blame you. I blame myself. I've just been feeling...
He looks back at Mike, who is staring at him, but on his glance, looks away, before carrying on.
GARY
I haven't been feeling very highly of myself lately. I mean, I haven't accomplished the things I wanted to by now. Our life- well, it's just the same every day. We wake up, we eat breakfast, we go to work, we come home, we go to bed. There's no excitement. Nothing to make you feel really alive. And I guess I needed that. I guess you needed that to. Ha, isn't that funny? Us both needing the same thing? If only we had talked with each other none of this... none of this woulda happened. Lucinda. Lucinda, I'm sorry! Would ya please burp me up? Huh, Honey? I'd hate to go the way of the... doo-doo bird.
MIKE
Dodo bird.
GARY
What?
MIKE
I think you mean Dodo Bird! Common mistake. The extinct, flightless-
GARY
(angry)
No, I mean doo-doo. Like shit? It's a play on words.
MIKE
Oh! A play on words! Oooooh. Very nice. Very nice, Gary. I like that.
GARY
Shut up!
Mike goes back to humming.
GARY
So, what do you say, Lucinda? I can forgive you. Can you forgive me?
He waits. Mike glances over anxiously. Suddnly a strong force of wind sucks Gary out the way he came with a loud BURP! Mike jumps up and looks around.
MIKE
Gary?
He looks the way Gary left.
MIKE
LUCINDA?! Hey, Lucinda! Don't forget about me! Huh?
Lights start to fade.
MIKE
Lucinda...? Gary...? Oh, doo doo!
Black out.
FEAR by Andie Bottrell
SETTING: Lucinda’s Stomach - Current Day
CHARACTERS:
GARY SINTARY - Middle-aged, low self-esteem, rageful tendencies, always serious, husband of Lucinda.
MIKE O’TOOL - Middle-aged, always smiling, a nervous giggler, excited about everything everything everything, is having an affair with Lucinda.
ACT I
A middle-aged man, GARY SINTARY, slides onto stage with great force, as if having just plummeted down a great depth. He screams as he lands and examines the dark empty space with equal parts horror and confusion. He also examines himself to make sure he is not injured- checking his limbs and head.
GARY
Are you kidding me?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. You fucking ATE ME!? HEY! HEY!
He pounds on the walls and floors.
GARY
LET ME OUT OF HERE! Lucinda! Lucidna, you let me out of here right this minute! If you don't open up that big yapper of yours and burp me up right this minute I'll- I'll... Well, I'll tell you what I'll do... I'll...
He frantically looks around.
GARY
I'm gonna...
He finds a chair, holds it up, looks at it, considers options, slams it down and as he does so hits his funny bone. He yelps and rubs it.
GARY
Oh! Funny bone!
His face shows the inner workings of an idea.
GARY
Funny bone. Funny bone- Hey, Lucinda! You still chronically ticklish? Hey, let's find out!
He lifts a finger and begins to tickle the walls and floor. He tickles more and more, gaining confidence in his plan.
GARY
Remember our wedding night? Every time I touched you, you erupted into a fit of laughter, your body convulsing- contorting in ticklish discomfort. Yeah, it was cute that first time, but after that it just got frustrating as HELL!
A scream fast approaches and suddenly another middle-aged man, MIKE O'TOOL, enters the same way as Gary, and barges into him.
The two men stare at each other for several moments, like a pair of wild animals encountering each other in the wild.
Mike eventually extends his hand.
MIKE
Mike O'Tool.
Gary does the same.
GARY
Gary Sintary.
MIKE
Oh, Gary! I've heard of you. Neat. Yeah. Neat. I'm Mike! (pause) Mike.
Gary shakes his head.
GARY
Sorry. How do you know Lucinda?
MIKE
Oh, well... (he laughs)
GARY
What's so funny?
MIKE
Nothing, it's just.... it's a little awkward is all.
GARY
Yeah.
They both look around.
MIKE
I thought it'd be slimier in here! You know, gooey? Bloody? Something!
GARY
Yeah. So, how do you know Lucinda?
MIKE
Oh- uh, well... (he laughs) We're sort of dating.
GARY
You and Lucinda?
MIKE
Yeah. Yeah. She's sweet, isn't she?
GARY
Yeah.
MIKE
And legs for days, huh?
GARY
Uh huh.
MIKE
And those breasts...
GARY
Right.
MIKE
But I tell you what- it's the personality that I love the most. That's a prize winning personality she's got. Hey- you ever notice how she's ticklish on every part of her body?
Gary stares at him.
MIKE
Like- like, you could be stroking her hair and she'll burst out laughing! It's so adorable. Ah, yeah, she's the cutest, huh?
GARY
Yeah. (pause) Listen, here, buddy.
MIKE
It's Mike. Mike!
GARY
Mike. Right.
Gary pulls Mike close and under his arm, gripping him tightly.
GARY
She's mine, Mike. You got that? Mine. You see this? You see this? Huh?
Gary shows him his wedding ring. Mike struggles to get away.
MIKE
Oh, sure. Eh, sure. No, she- and I want you to know this- she told be about you. Oh yeah. She was upright and straight with me. Yeah. And hey, she really likes you. She really does. Well...
He looks around.
MIKE
She liked you, anyway. What did you do?
GARY
What do you mean?
MIKE
Well, I mean, she wouldn't just eat you for no reason, right? Like, me? I know why she ate me. Saw it comin' a mile away. Don't know why I came anyway. Must have been that prize winning personality- couldn't stay away! Am I right? Am I right?
GARY
Yeah. The personality.
MIKE
So, what happened?
Gary looks around. Mike looks around. Gary sits, defeated with a sigh. Mike nods and sits next to him.
GARY
She caught me with another woman.
MIKE
Another woman? Oh, shit man.
GARY
Yeah. But now- NOW!
He gestures at Mike.
MIKE
Right! She had no right to eat you when she's- she's no better! She's sneaking off with me- despicable. Just disgusting. It's disgusting's what it is!
GARY
And I-
MIKE
No right! She's got no right, Gary. What she did to you... shameful.
GARY
It's just that I haven't been feeling very-
Mike puts his finger to Gary's lips.
MIKE
Let me guess. You were about to say "sexy" weren't you? That's what you were gonna say, weren't you? "Sexy."
GARY
Well, not exactly-
MIKE
You don't feel attractive anymore, Gary. And that's a problem. That's a problem because you're a very attractive man. I mean, GOD, look at you! Just look at you!
Gary looks down.
MIKE
Yeah! Come on and stand up- let's get a better view of that magnificent man meat you've got going on there.
Gary hesitently stands and Mike spins him around.
MIKE
Yeah, Gary! You listen to me- you do not let this woman defeat you. You are a sexy ass man, okay? Say it!
GARY
I'm sexy.
MIKE
Say it louder! Make her hear it! I'M A SEXY ASS MAN!
GARY
I'M A SEXY ASS MAN!
MIKE
Yeah!
Mike pulls Gary close to him.
MIKE
Let me tell you something you may not realize, Gary. There is one major contributor to the middle-aged crisis, and that is sex.
GARY
Yeah.
MIKE
And let me tell you another thing. M.A.C.'s are NOT your fault. It's a disease!
GARY
M.A.C.'s?
MIKE
Middle-Aged Crisises. Yeah, just this year they got upgraded to a Disease. Not responsible, man! You're not responsible. It's the chemicals in your brain making your fuck other women, making you feel inadaquete and unsexy. 'Cause let me tell you man... I'd do you. I'd hit that. Rarrrrrrrr.
GARY
Alright! Enough- get off me!
Gary pushes Mike aside. Gary goes to the opposite side of the area. He looks over his shoulder at Mike.
GARY
Do you mind?
MIKE
What?
GARY
I'd like a little privacy with my wife.
MIKE
Oh, oh sure. I'll just...
He covers his ears and hums.
GARY
Lucinda. Lucinda! Listen, I know I haven't been an ideal husband lately. To be honest, you haven't exactly been an ideal wife. But listen- I don't blame you. I blame myself. I've just been feeling...
He looks back at Mike, who is staring at him, but on his glance, looks away, before carrying on.
GARY
I haven't been feeling very highly of myself lately. I mean, I haven't accomplished the things I wanted to by now. Our life- well, it's just the same every day. We wake up, we eat breakfast, we go to work, we come home, we go to bed. There's no excitement. Nothing to make you feel really alive. And I guess I needed that. I guess you needed that to. Ha, isn't that funny? Us both needing the same thing? If only we had talked with each other none of this... none of this woulda happened. Lucinda. Lucinda, I'm sorry! Would ya please burp me up? Huh, Honey? I'd hate to go the way of the... doo-doo bird.
MIKE
Dodo bird.
GARY
What?
MIKE
I think you mean Dodo Bird! Common mistake. The extinct, flightless-
GARY
(angry)
No, I mean doo-doo. Like shit? It's a play on words.
MIKE
Oh! A play on words! Oooooh. Very nice. Very nice, Gary. I like that.
GARY
Shut up!
Mike goes back to humming.
GARY
So, what do you say, Lucinda? I can forgive you. Can you forgive me?
He waits. Mike glances over anxiously. Suddnly a strong force of wind sucks Gary out the way he came with a loud BURP! Mike jumps up and looks around.
MIKE
Gary?
He looks the way Gary left.
MIKE
LUCINDA?! Hey, Lucinda! Don't forget about me! Huh?
Lights start to fade.
MIKE
Lucinda...? Gary...? Oh, doo doo!
Black out.
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