frightened of my callings

I am frightened
often
by the callings 
of my heart
that soul purpose
stuff 
that beats its demands
upon my palms
like, "Rise up 
and follow this path,
sister!"
When mostly I'd 
rather swallow that
saliva, sit down
and wait for
my fate to
run its course
in the background
while I soak up
the comfort of
my cool sheets.
I do not want to
confront the 
injustices of my time.
I do not want to put
a lifetime of effort
into a career of "No's."
I do not want to give up
my peace and quiet to
parent a babe. 
I do not want to be
vulnerable and brave
enough to admit
my human attractions,
or let love in.
And yet...
I do.
Oh, my gosh.
I do. I do, so much
want those things.
My insides demand
these things of me
and I say with such
slowness, "Okay,"
and "One day."
I try to stall.
I'm as lazy as 
I am tall.
I resist my callings.
I argue with them
before I accept them.
I resent having a voice
and a well-body sometimes.
I am ungrateful and can be
unkind to the abilities present
within me.
Because it is a responsibility.
And I am tired.
And I have no reason to be tired,
I just am. Fatigued.
And so I must daily find ways--
midst often failing--to revitalize
my energies and my motivation
to keep myself from falling horizontal
into complacent waiting for my
luck of living to run out.
I have to tell myself, "There is time."
And, "Get up."
And ask, "What do you really believe
and why?" And remind myself of the 
responsibility of those beliefs and
act accordingly, and fail more, and feel
that, and still get up again to try again.
I don't always know how to do it.
I don't always try my best.

But I will always try again.