i n c o m p a t i b l e

why don't you look at me
with longing, your eyes lingering
a second or twelve longer
with each spell?

my conclusion to this inquiry
is that you do not find me 
c a p t i v a t i n g

you are not aroused
by my presence

do you flirt with me
in person--if so
am i missing it?

what is the problem
here

she asks me,
"what's wrong?"

i say, 
"i'll think about it."

the problem
i suppose is
that i do not feel desired
by her

i feel like i'm a comfortable
blanket she likes to wrap
herself in because it
soothes her

which i do not mind
in a platonic relationship
--that could sustain

but we are calling this
romance

as we antiseptically peck
and hand hold
and hug

and it's not about 
the physical act
or lack there-of

it's that i don't 
see how we will
ever evolve
to physical acts
because i do not feel
her loins burning
towards me

and if the desire is not there
the act will never come
and neither will we

further, she is one foot out the door
and confuses me when she speaks
of wanting out and yet wanting to
explore "us"

what is "us"
i do not know it well enough
i feel a bit like i'm in a relationship
with a stranger
who does not know me either

has she deep-dived me?
does she long to know me, truly?
does she know and appreciate and respect my art?

i don't know what turns her on
what make her feel special
and incredible
and how much of that she needs

she doesn't know this of me
i can't stop comparing this 
to the last one
which was the opposite of this

yet what remains is my
hesitance
my doubt
my fear
my need for reassurance

this does not feel 
like a love story
yet

i am looking 
for ways
to go deeper

but feel walls
at every turn
mine own
and hers