​i'm not writing about her

​i'm not writing about her
i'm not analyzing it or labeling it
i'm just experiencing it--being present
not placing expectations on it
not daydreaming (much) about future hypothetical's
i'm just letting it be what it is

future me with her 20/20 vision
will tell me, i'm sure, if this was wise
or a cop-out

but, a note to future me: 
current me is enjoying herself 

and that's enough for now

----*----

It's interesting:
I'm learning that not all thoughts need to
make you stop in your tracks and take 
their judgement's seriously 
No, sometimes you can just let a thought pass
on by...and they do, pass. 

It used to be that at the beginning of a 
potential romance, I would have a thought
like "oh, maybe I don't like that so much"
and it would catastrophize in my brain to
think it a sign of our demise, instead of 
taking it in stride, or communicating (what? novel idea!)

Same with my inner dialogue with myself
I would feel the fat on my stomach jiggle in 
the car as we drove over a bumpy road and I 
would feel fatter than I believed to be acceptable
by others and would decide my entire evening 
was therefore ruined and sulk all night

Now, I let the thoughts p a s s 
and have the wisdom to gently remind myself
it truly doesn't matter to any others who matter
to me what my belly looks like
my evening will be wonderful nonetheless

----*----

I wish I knew growing up that "love" didn't always feel like it looks like it would feel in the movies
and same with sex
that relationships and jobs and money and kids weren't all easy guarantees
that parents are people with their own failures and responsibilities to work on themselves
and if they don't own those things, it's not a reflection on you
that religion is the fraud it is and all the harm it can do (*respectfully, in my experience--no disrespect for others who have had a different experience)
I wish I knew always--especially during my teenage years--how wonderful, magical, beautiful, and worthy I was
I wish I knew