is there a future?

i want to feel normal
slash
good
but then i wonder
do i have any sort of right
to feel normal
slash
good
when the world is on fire
unjust
dying
i think
maybe i should start working out
eating healthier
i wonder
what's the point?
what exactly are we doing here?
i dream of a future that excites me
and want to make plans
but wonder
what's the chance that there even
is a future
i feel restless
i sleep in bursts
10 minutes, 20, 30
then awake
i have vivid dreams
it's like i'm a deep sea diver
i sleep with intensity
i'm a sprinter on the track
and then suddenly i'm
out of air
and i come back
to reality
gasping
i could remove the constant reminders
of the ways humanity is lashing out at each other
failing at empathy
being controlled by systems we have built
and then lost control of
i could get offline
but wouldn't that just be burying my head in the sand
it doesn't stop the problem does it?
i am depressed
in a brand new way
i know i am not alone
it is not that kind of depression (where you feel all alone)
it is a global depression
a feeling of hopelessness in our collective ability
to work together to build a future
i feel despondent
and, as a dreamer, it is getting harder and harder to dream
good things
instead, i dream nightmare scenarios
that each day feel closer and closer to the truth
but still
i am an optimist
i don't like to dwell on the negative
if i can at all help it
so i try
i try to find the good
i look for beauty
i create
i indulge in the creations of others
i attempt to give love
attempt to receive it back
and i live
each day
wondering if there is progress to be made
and if i am stalled
or if progress as a whole has been paused
waiting to see if we can hit "restart" on our own
i want to dream about marriage
and babies
houses and homes
adventure and travel
growing as a human
but to dream of these things
i must believe there will be a world
that can support these things
not invalidate these things
i have to believe i can marry the woman
of my dreams
i have to believe i can adopt the children i want
i have to believe there will be a livable future for these children
i have to believe i can afford to provide for them
i want to know there is more good than bad in the world
and that feels increasingly impossible
i have a business i need to grow
i should grow
but again
is there a world for that growth
who cares for fun photoshoots of happy, pretty images
when the world is burning, unjust, dying
when leaders are so busy lying
no one know what's true any more
i know how i sound
but don’t worry, i'm here
and i intend to stay
even hard, i like living
and like i said, i'm an optimist
even when my brain can’t figure out why
i believe things will get better
i believe it even though i don't feel it
i believe it even though i can't see how it's possible
i believe it because... to believe otherwise
i could not go on
and i want to go on
and i guess, in that, i hope you do too
and i hope you find optimism too
and collectively we find a way to dream
and believe
and love
and grow
i don't know how
i don't know how
i don't know how
i know some days i have nothing left in me for this
i have only enough to sit in silence
i have no words
i have no actions
i have no sleep
all i can do is exist
and wait
and hope
where do we go from here?
someday we'll know
but for today
i try to love
and to get by
i try to dream
and speak those dreams into the world
for others to hear
so they can dream too
so we can create a collective dream
to dream together
of a future
of a future
just that
of a future
together
somehow