S E S S I O N O N E : december 28, 2017 /// the client speaks in 3 movements
/// 1/3 ///
muted
me
you talk
at my ears
excited
for me
to hear
i sit
i smile
i nod
you do not
ask of me
any answers
you walk
away
i used to
offer up
some things
of me
but you would
swat them away
as you carried on
so now
i don't
muted
me
i used to be
witty and energetic
certain and engaged
i used to be
colorful
now
i'm grey
i used to give
love freely
easily
i used to reach out
even as it got harder
and harder
but eventually
stopped when
so little returned
it didn't seem there was
a point
you'd
muted
me
/// 2/3 ///
the more you do
the less impressive
each act
it's not right
it isn't fair
but it's accurate
and unfortunate,
for someone like me,
who tries daily to accomplish
love and interest and friendship
through acts of creation
or social compassion
i make and make
and then stare at it
as people walk by
unimpressed--or if they are impressed
it does not translate into love or
action
i'm like the story of Rapunzel
i keep spinning my hair into gold
only to find that stores in 2017
don't accept that currency
/// 3/3 ///
my boss asked me today
if i was happy
like, just casually--
pacing in front of my desk
do you like your job?
do you need anything from me?
are you happy?
it's a Thursday afternoon
and you're gonna just lob that question
at me, your subordinate, in a public space?
that's an intimate question
for friends or lovers or paid professionals
i said: that's a loaded question
we left it at that
but that's all the answer you really need
because if it's not a quick and steady, "Yes"
the answer is unquestionably, some variation of
"No"
WHY UNHAPPY?
(*and why is "unhappy" a word that means the opposite of happy--ie. sad--but "unsad" is not a word that means the opposite of sad--ie. happy?)
unhappy because i don't feel
seen or cared for or invested in
i feel untethered
i only feel peace when creating
thank goodness for that at least
i feel like i don't know the right way
to interact with people
to achieve the types of relationships
i want to have
and i feel exhausted from trying
and from the voices beating me up in my head
when i feel like i'm failing
and from never actually knowing if i'm failing
or over-exaggerating something that another person
thinks nothing of
communication could fix all this
but over-communication gets branded
negatively too
so that leaves me wishing for a form of non-existance
just inanimatecy
locked in a room
where i create to expel the things i can't figure out how to say
today
on the phone
with the pharmacist
i was trying to explain my situation and
get an answer to a question i had about my presciption
and i couldn't figure out the combination of words to put together
to make my question make sense from her perspective
and it seemed silly to fail so terribly to communicate
like--how is it this hard to ask a question?
lately, it all feels like this
it shouldn't be this difficult
to say how you feel
to ask for what you want or need
but it is
when i ask myself why
what comes back is that i
don't really see my wants or needs
as valid of bothering some other human about
i don't want to burden you with
the task of disappointing me
which is the other factor--
i don't trust other people to fulfill my needs
or follow through on their word
i've become more accepting
more forgiving of this when people do these things
but in exchange--i trust them less, rely on others as little as possible
--have an exhausting "i can do it all myself" attitude
"i'm fine alone" attitude
i get hurt
and i sulk
and then eventually concoct a scenario
where i can sympathize with them
and then reach out to see how i can help them
--i do the thing i wish they'd done when i needed them
--the thing they didn't do--
and i think that's the right thing to do
but it costs me something
it's costing me something very vital
because now i feel empty and used
and unhappy
and very alone
and fatigued on reaching out
on trying
at anything
if i were counseling myself here
i would say that the only advice that could be given me
is to try to communicate more--to tell people how things
make me feel, so they know
and i would reply that i have tried
and when i feel i have done that
it has not helped or been met with the
response i needed
additionally, why should anyone care what i feel
--because if they love you--
who said they love me
--if they are your friend or family they should care--
should...yes, but to what degree they actually do... you know, it's futile
--keep trying--
yes, that's all you can really say, isn't it?
so, i'll be fatigued for a while
i'll sit out a few weeks
bench myself
i'll reel into myself more
when i see that no one notices
i'm gone
and eventually i'll get bored
and maybe caffinated
and maybe watch enough comedy specials
to feel some endorphines kick in
and i'll reach out and i'll laugh with someone
and i'll forget for a bit
and i'll jump back on the court
i'll throw that ball around
like i know what i'm doing
and am good at it
and it will be like i'm
that best version of me again
until it doesn't again
and so on...
///
S E S S I O N T W O : december 29, 2017 /// the doctor responds via email
Dear Andie,
I have been thinking about a line you wrote yesterday about how you try to win love, affection, interest, and friendship through creative acts. You've also held deep in your heart a fear--a fear that has manifested into a feeling that some people only use you for your creative contributions and aren't, in fact, interested, or perhaps simply don't know how or have the social free space to invest in a new friendship or relationship with you. So, here's what I'm thinking:
You can't use creation as a method to forge relationships and then get upset when people only see you as a creative colleague, rather than a personal acquaintance.
You need to be there for the personal moments. You need to ask them to be there for you personal moments. This is vital to build personal relationships.
***Now, because I am you, I can address the red flashing light, the blaring horns of fear that are popping up at this response. Intimacy scares you. Asking someone to be there for little, odd, worn-out you is scary. And the blatant truth of the matter is that sometimes you will ask for help and you will not get it and people will not respond how you want or need them to and you will feel even more pain than you did before.
***Now, because I am you, I can hear you asking me what the point is if there is even a chance of feeling more pain than you already feel--why risk it by reaching out? Unfortunately, because I am you, I cannot offer a satisfying response...though, I'd like to see someone other than us give a satisfying response. I don't think there is one other than, as in love, and as in creation, as in all of life, you risk it because sometimes there's a reward...sometimes it IS worth it. That's all. That's simply all.
So, the next question becomes what tools you can have at your disposal to fortify yourself so that you know you can weather the risk, weather the potential let-downs, weather the pain a little better. Not to avoid it because that is neither possible nor recommended. Lessons are learned in the pain. Art is motivated in the pain. Empathy is fortified in the pain. Sure, bitterness and anger and depression can also live there--so, the real question you must be asking is for tangible, actionable ways to subvert negative outcomes and habits from popping up in the pain and re-route them into productive stepping stones for positive growth.
Ah, yes, there's the rub! You've hit it.
Start there.
Sincerely,
Andie Bottrell, FDR (fake doctor)
///
/// 1/3 ///
muted
me
you talk
at my ears
excited
for me
to hear
i sit
i smile
i nod
you do not
ask of me
any answers
you walk
away
i used to
offer up
some things
of me
but you would
swat them away
as you carried on
so now
i don't
muted
me
i used to be
witty and energetic
certain and engaged
i used to be
colorful
now
i'm grey
i used to give
love freely
easily
i used to reach out
even as it got harder
and harder
but eventually
stopped when
so little returned
it didn't seem there was
a point
you'd
muted
me
/// 2/3 ///
the more you do
the less impressive
each act
it's not right
it isn't fair
but it's accurate
and unfortunate,
for someone like me,
who tries daily to accomplish
love and interest and friendship
through acts of creation
or social compassion
i make and make
and then stare at it
as people walk by
unimpressed--or if they are impressed
it does not translate into love or
action
i'm like the story of Rapunzel
i keep spinning my hair into gold
only to find that stores in 2017
don't accept that currency
/// 3/3 ///
my boss asked me today
if i was happy
like, just casually--
pacing in front of my desk
do you like your job?
do you need anything from me?
are you happy?
it's a Thursday afternoon
and you're gonna just lob that question
at me, your subordinate, in a public space?
that's an intimate question
for friends or lovers or paid professionals
i said: that's a loaded question
we left it at that
but that's all the answer you really need
because if it's not a quick and steady, "Yes"
the answer is unquestionably, some variation of
"No"
WHY UNHAPPY?
(*and why is "unhappy" a word that means the opposite of happy--ie. sad--but "unsad" is not a word that means the opposite of sad--ie. happy?)
unhappy because i don't feel
seen or cared for or invested in
i feel untethered
i only feel peace when creating
thank goodness for that at least
i feel like i don't know the right way
to interact with people
to achieve the types of relationships
i want to have
and i feel exhausted from trying
and from the voices beating me up in my head
when i feel like i'm failing
and from never actually knowing if i'm failing
or over-exaggerating something that another person
thinks nothing of
communication could fix all this
but over-communication gets branded
negatively too
so that leaves me wishing for a form of non-existance
just inanimatecy
locked in a room
where i create to expel the things i can't figure out how to say
today
on the phone
with the pharmacist
i was trying to explain my situation and
get an answer to a question i had about my presciption
and i couldn't figure out the combination of words to put together
to make my question make sense from her perspective
and it seemed silly to fail so terribly to communicate
like--how is it this hard to ask a question?
lately, it all feels like this
it shouldn't be this difficult
to say how you feel
to ask for what you want or need
but it is
when i ask myself why
what comes back is that i
don't really see my wants or needs
as valid of bothering some other human about
i don't want to burden you with
the task of disappointing me
which is the other factor--
i don't trust other people to fulfill my needs
or follow through on their word
i've become more accepting
more forgiving of this when people do these things
but in exchange--i trust them less, rely on others as little as possible
--have an exhausting "i can do it all myself" attitude
"i'm fine alone" attitude
i get hurt
and i sulk
and then eventually concoct a scenario
where i can sympathize with them
and then reach out to see how i can help them
--i do the thing i wish they'd done when i needed them
--the thing they didn't do--
and i think that's the right thing to do
but it costs me something
it's costing me something very vital
because now i feel empty and used
and unhappy
and very alone
and fatigued on reaching out
on trying
at anything
if i were counseling myself here
i would say that the only advice that could be given me
is to try to communicate more--to tell people how things
make me feel, so they know
and i would reply that i have tried
and when i feel i have done that
it has not helped or been met with the
response i needed
additionally, why should anyone care what i feel
--because if they love you--
who said they love me
--if they are your friend or family they should care--
should...yes, but to what degree they actually do... you know, it's futile
--keep trying--
yes, that's all you can really say, isn't it?
so, i'll be fatigued for a while
i'll sit out a few weeks
bench myself
i'll reel into myself more
when i see that no one notices
i'm gone
and eventually i'll get bored
and maybe caffinated
and maybe watch enough comedy specials
to feel some endorphines kick in
and i'll reach out and i'll laugh with someone
and i'll forget for a bit
and i'll jump back on the court
i'll throw that ball around
like i know what i'm doing
and am good at it
and it will be like i'm
that best version of me again
until it doesn't again
and so on...
///
S E S S I O N T W O : december 29, 2017 /// the doctor responds via email
Dear Andie,
I have been thinking about a line you wrote yesterday about how you try to win love, affection, interest, and friendship through creative acts. You've also held deep in your heart a fear--a fear that has manifested into a feeling that some people only use you for your creative contributions and aren't, in fact, interested, or perhaps simply don't know how or have the social free space to invest in a new friendship or relationship with you. So, here's what I'm thinking:
You can't use creation as a method to forge relationships and then get upset when people only see you as a creative colleague, rather than a personal acquaintance.
You need to be there for the personal moments. You need to ask them to be there for you personal moments. This is vital to build personal relationships.
***Now, because I am you, I can address the red flashing light, the blaring horns of fear that are popping up at this response. Intimacy scares you. Asking someone to be there for little, odd, worn-out you is scary. And the blatant truth of the matter is that sometimes you will ask for help and you will not get it and people will not respond how you want or need them to and you will feel even more pain than you did before.
***Now, because I am you, I can hear you asking me what the point is if there is even a chance of feeling more pain than you already feel--why risk it by reaching out? Unfortunately, because I am you, I cannot offer a satisfying response...though, I'd like to see someone other than us give a satisfying response. I don't think there is one other than, as in love, and as in creation, as in all of life, you risk it because sometimes there's a reward...sometimes it IS worth it. That's all. That's simply all.
So, the next question becomes what tools you can have at your disposal to fortify yourself so that you know you can weather the risk, weather the potential let-downs, weather the pain a little better. Not to avoid it because that is neither possible nor recommended. Lessons are learned in the pain. Art is motivated in the pain. Empathy is fortified in the pain. Sure, bitterness and anger and depression can also live there--so, the real question you must be asking is for tangible, actionable ways to subvert negative outcomes and habits from popping up in the pain and re-route them into productive stepping stones for positive growth.
Ah, yes, there's the rub! You've hit it.
Start there.
Sincerely,
Andie Bottrell, FDR (fake doctor)
///
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