Andie Bottrell
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the safe & superior lie

7/17/2019

1 Comment

 
we try to make ourselves 
safe and untouchable
better than the "others"
but it is all an illusion

healthy diets
poor diets
all the same
die

tragic deaths 
timely deaths 
sudden or 
in pain

we try to feel superior
thinking it can save us
from something

but money can not 
save you
nothing can

there is so much pain
on earth
at times i find it hard
to pretend not to see it

sometimes you have to look away
or such is the feeling--because you
fear if you do not
you will explode in your sorrow

so while i still have the privilege 
of looking away sometimes
i will selfishly take it

life is hard and it hurts

days like today 
(where nothing terrible is happening
in my personal life--but everyone else's
pain is pulsing through my veins--
the shaking, scared chicken i saw trembling
in a video I accidentally stumbled upon on twitter,
the children in their mother's arms seeking asylum
at the border of a country who has decided not to
be their asylum, the president telling congresswomen
to go back "to their broken countries" and
so much more...)
days like today
i find it so hard to care about
SUCCESS!!!!!!
about succeeding
and getting money
getting that new car
buying a house
getting married
doing the "life tradition"
it all feels like such a mirage

and i start to wonder
does this happen to us all?
have people always been awake
to all this pain and terror?
or did it come into the widened consciousness
with the internet?

where do you go from here?
how do you make sense of your days?
what do you put on your to-do list to
make the most benefit of yourself on earth
to ease the most pain of others on earth
and take care of yourself the same?

i sit in my room and write
because i don't know the answers
every little thing i do to try and help
never feels enough
feels like shallow attempts so i can 
feel i tried--
what can i do that will really matter?

i sit in my room and look at my walls
they seem solid
they keep the bad weather out
they keep me cool or warm
and dry
they give me privacy and make
me feel safe
but their solidness is penetrable
just as mine is
and all of it, all of us 
temporary

safety is a lie
you're safe until you're not
you're here until you're gone

and all the things you do
to stay safe and nice and fine
wont matter

i know people who didn't drink much
and ate pretty healthy and were active that
died far younger than others i know still living
alcoholics, smokers, reckless with their lives
go figure

but not smoking, eating healthy, exercising
getting financially wealthy
it gives us more than a feeling of safety, doesn't it?
it gives us a feeling of superiority
that we have our "shit together" in a way
others don't
and now we can advise them on how to live better
because we know
we can charge them money to tell them how to live their lives
like us, do the skills we know, look the way we look, love the way we love

but behind these 'experts'
is still sadness
emptiness
fear
conflict
instability
and the knowledge that it doesn't matter
how much you make, how you look,
what you eat or don't eat,
how many likes or loves
you're not better
and no one "wins"
we're all just here

until we're not
1 Comment
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10/9/2022 07:55:01 pm

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    Hey! I'm Andie Bottrell, a multidisciplinary creative living in Springfield, MO. I share stories (autobiographical and fictional), poems, and other creative or personal musings here. 

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