Well, this is an awkward way to begin a letter, but I don’t know how else to start it. My thumb fell off. I wasn’t going to say anything about it. I mean, it’s not like it would change anything, right? Right. But, the thing is, I’m beginning to fear that this may be part of a larger problem. See, my entire hand has begun to turn a little purple and blue and stiff-like and it itches like hell. These are the same symptoms I had on my thumb before it, you know, jumped ship, and I’m a little worried my entire left hand is thinking about doing the same. It’s the damnedest thing. Every time I get all worked up about my love troubles, it itches harder.
When I lost my thumb, well, I’d just come from seeing that Billy boy I wrote you about two weeks ago last Sunday. You remember? Well, I’d just seen him and oh, he’d said hello and given a half-hearted hug and all that, but it was so strange. Afterwards, he didn’t say anything and just flirted with this other girl as I walked past. Though, right prior we had made eye-contact while I was back-wards hugging this other boy who was also named Billy who’d invited me to the event. But I hadn’t done it to make him jealous. I swear. And prior, before the event the first Billy mentioned that he’d seen me at the previous event, the night before, but hadn’t said hello. He said exactly, “I saw you, but I didn’t say hello. I just left.” and I said, “I saw you too. But I didn’t say hello, but then I only saw you when you were occupied.” I was trying to sound “even” but what I should have said was, “Why would you tell me that? Are you trying to make yourself sound like more of an asshole?”
Anyway, when I got home my thumb, it started itching like a mother- and I just kept downing every drink I could find in the house, which was actually a lot because I had given up on buying groceries, ‘cause I didn’t feel I deserved ‘em and instead was livin’ off the drink. I drank and drank, and I guess that’s why it didn’t phase me so much when my thumb just up and left me, ‘cause I was so wasted and all that. I just sort of sighed and rolled on my side so’s I could throw up and not choke on it.
Now, ‘corse in the morning I 'bout had a conniption to find my thumb laying there besides me, not attached to my body, but then, what should I have done? It was too late to save it, so I threw it away. Can I tell you- it’s really hard to throw one of your limbs, or digits as it were, away. I guess that’s not that surprising, but it’s just the damnedest thing to put something in a waste basket that’s been with you your whole entire goddamn life. I felt like I should say a prayer or something over it, like it- itself- where alive, or dead, or what-have-you.
So, there you go. I’m telling you ‘cause you’re the only one I know who’d believe me- still I sent you this picture just in case you thought this was a joke. I thought about sending you the actual finger, but that just seemed too morbid… even for us. Hahah!
Alright, well, I hope everything is well with you and Mary and the kids, little Stevie and Elizabeth. I gotta say, I envy you lot. Let me know if you’ve got any ideas about how to coax my hand to stay on board the Becks-ship with me. I’ve already tried talking to it, ignoring it, giving it new gloves and soaking it in alcohol- what more could it want?
All my love,