1.
WHAT AM I DOING WITH YOU?
warm teriyaki chicken
steams white clouds
into the air
somewhere sometime ago some chicken suffered
this is all i think about now
the stucco of the neighbors house
sits just inside the warm light of the sun
other homes nearby cast gray shadows
on their lawn
no children run or scream
it’s a quiet early fall just after eve
and inside my home
after a long day’s work
i find myself contented
having conquered not-napping
having finished my goals for the day
and I lay satisfied on my stomach and wait
what am i waiting for?
for sleep?
for tomorrow?
for you?
for you…
and here i am again
on the fence of how i feel
how i should feel
how i shouldn’t
what is and what isn’t
and of course the illusive: what could be…
i don’t know
but i’ll wait until i do
and hope by then
i’ve not turned too much shit around
uprooted too many
un-re-rootable roots
making a mess of things
should not be so easy
or enjoyable
i run scared the whole time
but can’t seem to look away
from the screen that holds you
dear god,
what am i doing with you?
2.
DELICATE
people are
so, so delicate
or perhaps i am being presumptive
i feel my skin
wearing thinner, so much thinner than
feels safe for it to be, like, translucent practically
and now my heart
is thumping so hard and sporadically
it’s hard to predict what might happen next
but i feel mostly certain at some point it’s going to break out of this skin
and when it does
that’s really going to hurt
i grab the neck of my shirt
pulling it up over and inside my mouth and then
suckle it like a babe at its mother’s tit
hoping for comfort, grasping to be soothed
it’s strange and queer to me
how seamlessly this progression has occurred
from minutes to hours to days to weeks and less and less
space in between
it’s to the point where i now
crave this without trying to or meaning to and even
when i fight against it and swear myself off
i just keep coming back to you
like an addiction
and i’m scared for a number of reasons:
1. scared i’m using you for your kindness, for your audience, for your attention
2. scared i’m falling in a sort of love for you—and I have to say “sort of love” for you and
not just “falling in love” because “falling in love” is a laughably large, much, much too scary proposition
3. scared i’m losing strength in all the muscles i’ve built up that keep me being capable of being alone
4. scared because i feel i’m no longer in control of needing you and I don’t want to need anyone because what if something happens or they leave—scared because if i’m not in control I won’t be able to cut myself off
5. just scared for no good reason other than you now know so much of me and you’ve said it’s good and i don’t know if i’ll be able to say the same back to you—and not for any reasons you may think--but because there are so many things in you that are in me too and they make me sick to my stomach and it seems a foolishly bad idea to compound them
i feel stale
inside my brain and stubborn against decision making
but lukewarm to boiling within my heart and
every loving smile transmitted to me over these wires sends me
tingling with that addictive high that i just cannot let go of
and i’m just waiting to find the right moment to tell you
how very scared I am of it all
how few promises i can offer
how little experience i have at being looked at
in this way
3.
POSSIBILITIES
i had a dream about you last night
you were so pale and pink and tall
and your hair was floppy like a bunny rabbit
and you leaned down to kiss me like a crane
fishing for its lunch
I had your warm saliva still on my lips
when I ran out the house to chase a butterfly
through the poppy fields
the wind blowing my hair, holding it up like magic
and soon my feet were swooping straight up and my
body with it elevated into the air
the blue sky engulfed me like flames
but the clouds kept me cool
as the sun took my hand and reassured
in a low, gully pull “Everything is working out just fine—LOOK!”
And I looked down and saw nothing but possibilities
e v e r y w h e r e
4.
ESCAPE INTO ME
escape into me, mi amore
forget all the stress
the day pilled on
leave your worries
come
no, quickly run!
i have so much fun
turning you on
come
it turns me on
to see you lose it
thinking delicious dirty things
faster, run
and in the meantime watch
i’ll be looking for your eyes
with my hand between my thighs
run
i’ll have on that little black silk robe
freshly wetted from a bath
i’ll be searching the horizon
for you
so, come!
5.
ME & YOU
Hello
A smile
To be greeted
In style
It’s been a while
About an hour
Since we last
Spoke
The withdrawals
Tweaked my heart
Spiked holes in my
Mind, gave me
Shivers in time
I need to
See you
Again
And more and more
Just seeing is becoming
Not quite enough
Because there is now this idea
Floating about like a persistent hawk
Of laying on top of you, my head on your chest
Your arms tight around me
And yes, a kiss—several, in fact,
And more
Never stop looking at me like that
Never stop asking to take out the best part of me
And have it play you a tune
I’m scared beyond reason of all that could lie ahead
But one day at a time
Right now there is just me and you
6.
THIS STRANGE LOVE
Sometimes I look at you
And you seem like a stranger to me
And I can’t wrap my head around
Why you are saying such intimate things to me
Do I know you?
Have we entered into some kind of agreement together?
In short, I forget
Daily
And then moment by moment
Day by day
And hour by hour
You remind me
It happens almost like hypnotism
One second I’m staring at a stranger
Then suddenly you appear before me:
My best friend and lover
And I know you like I’ve never known another
What is this strange spell you’ve put over me?
You’ve spun yourself into my soul
Like you always belonged there
And just forgot to tell me
This was always going to be
As it is now
A romance to entertain the stars
A love for two humans who’ve been
No stranger to desire
And now clasp it feverishly within their palms
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