​i'm not writing about her
i'm not analyzing it or labeling it
i'm just experiencing it--being present
not placing expectations on it
not daydreaming (much) about future hypothetical's
i'm just letting it be what it is

future me with her 20/20 vision
will tell me, i'm sure, if this was wise
or a cop-out

but, a note to future me: 
current me is enjoying herself 

and that's enough for now

----*----

It's interesting:
I'm learning that not all thoughts need to
make you stop in your tracks and take 
their judgement's seriously 
No, sometimes you can just let a thought pass
on by...and they do, pass. 

It used to be that at the beginning of a 
potential romance, I would have a thought
like "oh, maybe I don't like that so much"
and it would catastrophize in my brain to
think it a sign of our demise, instead of 
taking it in stride, or communicating (what? novel idea!)

Same with my inner dialogue with myself
I would feel the fat on my stomach jiggle in 
the car as we drove over a bumpy road and I 
would feel fatter than I believed to be acceptable
by others and would decide my entire evening 
was therefore ruined and sulk all night

Now, I let the thoughts p a s s 
and have the wisdom to gently remind myself
it truly doesn't matter to any others who matter
to me what my belly looks like
my evening will be wonderful nonetheless

----*----

I wish I knew growing up that "love" didn't always feel like it looks like it would feel in the movies
and same with sex
that relationships and jobs and money and kids weren't all easy guarantees
that parents are people with their own failures and responsibilities to work on themselves
and if they don't own those things, it's not a reflection on you
that religion is the fraud it is and all the harm it can do (*respectfully, in my experience--no disrespect for others who have had a different experience)
I wish I knew always--especially during my teenage years--how wonderful, magical, beautiful, and worthy I was
I wish I knew 

I've long called Synecdoche, New York
my soul movie
there is this scene at the end 
a simple, tiny moment in a movie of
cacophonous, big, absurd and truthful explosions
our hero sits, deteriorating in a deteriorating world,
on a toilet, in his ear the calm voice of a woman
instructs him to "wipe"
when I first saw this moment in the movie theater
I wept severely, realizing then a need within myself
I was previously unaware of--the need of an exhausted
and lost human to be given the gift of being told
the next step to take
"wipe"
"stand up"
"eat"
It can be exhausting living in a state of never knowing 
what is coming next
how to prepare
what to do
I longed to be told

something shifted later
in my 30's--I had enough experiences
that I generally knew what happened next
the mystery disappeared
and I learned what I had once considered magical
was merely a mirage--the mystery of a moment 
that seems happenstance only because it was
orchestrated by another

so now, i kiss someone
I think: i'm kissing someone
and sometimes I forget to close my eyes
it takes a lot for me to get caught up in 
"passion" 
to feel it
instead of narrate it
"i'm kissing her"
"we're moving to the bedroom"
"I ask if I can take her shirt off"
"I take her shift off"
"I feel her breasts--they feel nice. I squeeze them."
at a certain moment--briefly here and there again--we beat against each other
breathing into each other, and it feels like sex--like raw passion
the inner voice stops narrating
but then a moment later, starts again

and each sexual encounter--with man or woman--goes on like this
in this phase in my life
my brain laying out the possible options of each next step
that will happen 
and then narrates it with a distance that keeps me from engaging fully
in the moment
that stops me from believing magic moments exist for me anymore

and i'm trying to come to terms with that
perhaps i am blocked--a self-defense from past trauma
or perhaps i am awake now and magic love is an illusion that all must put to bed
with their fairy-tales
real life is complex 

it doesn't help, of course, that with women
along with my narrative of what I am doing and what is happening
i occasionally get tuned into the conservative christian channel
their harsh, judgmental static beating up my brain
telling me what i am doing is wrong
and that i am just making up this stuff, just choosing it to be hurtful
(which even as these intrusive thoughts enter, i recognize how
intrinsically NOT me they are)

and because i still hear that
i am trying to be gentle with myself 
to give myself space and time to experience things
and not place expectations on them

to find my own center gravity
without chatter

this woman now
with whom i am engaging in my current exploration
she is kind and good and calm and her eyes twinkle when she looks at me
and i am old enough, experienced enough now to know how rare that is
i enjoy the feel of her full, warm, squishy body smashed up against mine

i enjoy that
and so i'll explore it and try not to judge myself 
or make myself name anything that doesn't feel totally true

sometimes my voice says
what if i'm straight
after all this
what if i'm straight

that voice is fear

and to that voice i want to say
i'm sorry that you were made to feel so afraid
and ashamed
you should not have been made to feel that way
but you were and you do
and it's okay

your fears are certainly valid
but they wont stop you from exploring
your truths--because that, i truly feel,
is my mission on earth--to unearth the truth
about myself
and to evolve in my beliefs--ever questioning
and putting ideas to the test and learning and growing
and loving and letting myself be loved

so, forward
and bravely!

The version of me that gets me out of bed in the morning
that is my mid-morning pick-me-up to keep going
before the coffee kicks in
that entertains the distracting thoughts of my limitations
while I cook dinner, multi-tasking with roommate conversations
and playing out work solutions in my head

that version of me is a wife and partner to 
an encouraging, supportive, and attentive spouse
where we push each other to achieve the big things
and console each other when we fail
who always believes in the best in each other
and constantly shows each other their love and care
in big and small ways daily

that version of me is a mother to
two adopted children and perhaps foster mom
to many others--she's created a loving, creative,
nurturing home full of laughter
and sometimes tears--but those tears always find 
company, comfort, and ears

she owns a house that she has made a home
and this home houses big conversations,
challenging learning opportunities, sizzling 
delicious dinners nightly, home-made plays
and galleries and concerts...
it's a refuge and it's always open to those in need 
of a safe space

she is a confident, self-sufficient woman 
who is more proud of the descriptive titles of
Mom, Wife, Advocate, and Creative
than she is of comments on her physical appearance

her life is full and she is present in it
those around her have her full trust
and she has theirs and together
they build their future
and make their little corner of the world
a little brighter

I am immensely proud of myself today.
My whole life I have clung to the phrase, "I hate conflict." Conflict makes me feel sick to my stomach. I took a naturally occurring or deeply ingrained part of myself and ingrained it further by repeating it to myself as if it were a solid, unmovable piece of who I am--"I am someone who can't handle conflict, who hates conflict, who avoids conflict"--as opposed to a characteristic that, like all characteristics, can be refined, changed, and can evolve with work and practice.
I've started telling myself a different story about myself. I've started saying, "I can do hard things" when I start to feel that knot forming in my stomach, those waves of anxiety that come with knowing something needs to be said about something that may cause conflict.
Today at one of my jobs an employee was crying because another team member had cussed and yelled at them. They said that they knew that other team member never talked to me that way (and they don't) but that they keep talking to them that way--taking their frustration out on them likely because they knew each other personally outside of the workplace. I said, "It's not okay for them to talk to you like that." I went back to my desk and thought about the situation. I thought about how they are the vulnerable party and they have tried to stand up for themselves but it wasn't working and how it would likely be more effective if I stood up for them. The parallels to the importance of white people speaking up and not accepting racist comments or acts against people of color, of men standing up and not accepting sexist comments or assault of women by other men, etc. really hitting home.
I went back to this employee and suggested a staff meeting. I said I would initiate and organize it and be by their side. They agreed. I got back to my desk and started panicking. The old narrative coming through--the knot forming. I researched tips for interoffice conflict resolution. I wrote down some thoughts and reformatted them. I heard myself say, "I can't do this." I took a breath. I replied, "I can do hard things." I contacted the team and organized a meeting. I typed up a document to hand out entitled: "Guidelines for Respectful & Effective Communication in the Workplace."
The time of the meeting came and I ran it. Calmly. Effectively. And it was so productive. I helped steer the communication towards actionable steps to improve things and establish accountability. We found resolution. I'm so freaking proud of myself for making that happen. If I hadn't, feelings would have been swept under the rug and cycles would have continued. I know there will be on-going work to be done--but establishing these guidelines gives us all a clear place to work from.
I think these guidelines are good for all people in all situations, so here they are:
Guidelines for Respectful & Effective Communication in the Workplace
1.) Assume everyone is doing their best and wants to do their job well.
2.) Treat others with respect. Respect other’s space, mental health, time constraints, and workload. 
3.) When frustrated or angry, take a deep breath and focus on finding a solution together, rather than expressing non-constructive frustration or placing blame. After the solution has been found and executed, go back over what caused the issue with distance and a clear head and implement ways to solve that issue so it doesn’t happen again in the future. Ask for help from others on the team in identifying solutions.
4.) Take responsibility for your part in any problems that occur and apologize. Accept other’s apologies and work together to find solutions. 
5.) Yelling or cussing at each other is not respectful and will not be expected to be tolerated by any member of the team from any other member of the team. 
6.) Remember daily we are all on the same team and united in our goal of serving our clients, as well as creating a stable, safe, effective, and positive workplace. Work together to create that for and with each other. 
7.) Acknowledge positive actions and encourage each other to do better each day.
And lastly, know that you can do hard things. Even if they scare you. Even if they don't come naturally to you.
You are not stuck in who you've been. You have and can continue to evolve. You can make different choices. You can choose to cultivate a new attitude and head space. You can stand up for yourself and others. You can tell a different story.

*From May, 2019:
​
My 33rd Birthday is on Sunday. I'm noticing some changes in myself. I've been making observations, like, "Oh, so that happens to me now." Last Sunday was Mother's Day. On Monday, at the office, my boss asked my co-worker how her Mother's Day was since, "She's the only Mother here" and I felt my heart shift suddenly down in a painful manor. "Oh," I thought, "so that happens to me now." I feel pain when I'm reminded that I'm not a Mother--not even close.

I've been on dating apps for a long time. Most people, it seems like, don't really want to talk after matching--they just disappear and I do too sometimes if I'm not totally sure if I'm into them and need them to make the first move--or they just want to talk and wont commit or show up to a date. I've had my settings set to just women for most of the last year or two or three (what is time???). I've just been more interested in exploring that side of myself that I've known about for a long, long time, but hadn't acted on. So I acted on it with a special woman, and it was nice, but it ended. A few times I've tried opening up my settings to women and men again and it tends to only last a short period. I know that I still have the ability to be attracted to men, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to trust them. I look at each man and try to get a read on the likelihood that he'll rape, murder, stalk, be controlling or abusive to me--I know you can't tell by how they look or what they say. I know women who've entered into relationships with a wonderful man only to have him swap personalities entirely into something controlling or abusive once the relationship evolves into something long-term. I don't trust men. I live in fear of their hidden intentions.

It's funny in a way that in my late teens and early twenties I was afraid of being judged for my attraction to women and so didn't pursue it and often did things or put myself into potentially dangerous situations with men, sometimes feeling so badly about myself or my body I felt like I didn't care what happened to me (though in retrospect I know I did--but I was in pain and needed guidance and didn't know how to ask for it). But now that I'm older, the fear of being with a bad man far, far outweighs any remaining fear of judgement or hate I may receive from dating a woman. 

I've seen too much. And I'm what would be considered one of the "lucky ones" in terms of my own personal experience. But just being a woman in the world, in America--watching the way large quantities of men have behaved towards women publicly and proudly in the last few years...watching what's happened to women in my community, my circles, hearing all the stories of the cases of families in Foster Care, seeing nearly daily in the local news that another rapist was given no jail time even for a repeat offense...it all wears on you--it's worn on me. It's validated over and over again a narrative that men can't be trusted. And I know that's a sweeping statement and sweeping statements are not true. There are good men. I do know some personally. Men I trust with my life. There's not many, but there's a few. And I don't want to be someone that meets someone and assumes anything about them based on something superficial that they can't control. I really, really don't. I try to assume the best in people--but when it comes to dating, it's hard. It's hard to be a woman on the internet---knowing how small a fuse some men have at the slightest sign of rejection. It's not worth it in most cases to throw the dice and swipe right on someone who looks fairly attractive with little information on who they are or their history of behavior--not to mention that seeing someone in a photo and in person can give you totally different vibes. 

It's just hard. So, that happens to me now.  I've developed a nearly pathological distrust of men and I would like to not have that--but I unfortunately think it's not entirely unrealistic (based on observations of the world around me) so unless men start doing better, it's going to be hard for me to trust them as much as I trust women.

And that's, by the way, not to say I find it instantly easy to trust women either. Beyond my fear of the male intention is my own fears of intimacy, of abandonment...so, that's definitely there too. And I know that women are capable of just as bad of actions as men--they just don't seem to do it at such an alarming, epidemic rate as men. So, it feels safer. It feels safer to date a woman in the bible belt than a man--things I never thought I'd say.

Also, I want to be safe now. Pretty much always. I've healed enough to care a lot what happens to me and I'm very protective of myself, even from my own mind when it reverts to mean thoughts. So that's good. Progress.

I'm more guarded now, too. I find I have less to say. The small daily ups and downs have less importance as I focus on my bigger goals. I'm less inclined to let everyone know my every emotion or thought. I'm more protective of myself--less trusting of other's. So it goes, I suppose. 

33. Wow. Not at all where I thought I'd be. There's a meme going around about how you should remind yourself of when you wanted to be where you are now. I never wanted the things I have now. The things I wanted, I didn't achieve--though I tried in every way I knew how. And now I'm on a different path, a path I didn't see coming, didn't know I would ever want. My desires are so domestic these days-- a home, a family, small creative projects, time to explore earth with my dogs or friends. I want a small, safe, happy life with a partner in every sense of the word and some children, where I am making a positive difference. It feels impossible--just as impossible as my last goal of being a working actor. Why do I never seem to have enough money? How could I ever have enough to buy a house or care for a child? That's really the big thing in my way. 

And my business--how do I make it successful? Do I have what it takes? I think, well, even if it fails to really take off and be sustainable for me to live off of...maybe at the very least, it will help me build a creative portfolio that could get me a job in that field. That's helpful to think. 

I have this desire to make a positive difference--they talk about how as a CASA we are making such a difference...I believe that--but I don't personally feel that. I don't feel like I've helped much. But I'll keep trying--there's so much to learn about everything--not just being a CASA, but in life. There is so much to learn it's incredible and overwhelming. How does anyone ever get the hang of it? I don't think people do. I'm learning that now. I don't think people do. I think people are just trying to get through it a lot more than we realize when we are so caught up in our own insecurities that we forget everyone else is feeling them all too. 

These days I think about love and if and how it exists and what it really is... I think about our brains and bodies and emotions and how we process pain and trauma and loss... I think about parenting and play out hypotheticals in my head--what if my future kid does this or says that? How will I react? What could that look like if it goes like this or that? I think about my future home and the type of space I want to create. I pin artwork for hypothetical children's room that have encouraging or insightful phrases on it to remind them of helpful things. I've started cooking...and am learning to enjoy it. So, that's me now. 

A lot of growth and in the midst of a whole lot more growth. Sometimes (daily) I'm scared that I'll fail to achieve these dreams like I failed to achieve my last ones... sometimes I'm anxious that I'm not "there" yet... but also, I realize that there's so much to learn--so much I am learning and so much more after that to learn and prepare for that will only make me a better, more capable parent, business owner, home owner, advocate, and human... this time is not being wasted. I'm working and learning and preparing and that's invaluable to the outcome--whatever it may end up being.

And whatever may end up being my future--I'll find my way to peace in it. 

I am grateful for my dogs, my bed, my home, for food and water, and parks, and online courses, and stories, and that most every day I am able to find things that make me smile, make me genuinely feel happy or comforted, and that I am able to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of who I have become. 

​i think about my kids often
i don't know if they will come to me
in this lifetime
but i have hope

and in this hope i collect
pieces of art that i also hope will
help nourish these children
should they come to me

i think of hypothetical solutions
to hypothetical problems
to ready my heart and mind
as their protector and advocate

i think about my kids
and prepare their rooms in my mind
and i hope someday i'll have enough money
to create these rooms, to create these meals,
to create this life

and i work
i work hard and think harder about
how to make this life a reality

there are kids out there
needing family
i am an adult out here
also longing for family

we are two magnets
filled with hope
that the universe will honor
our ends by bringing us
together

How it must feel to swim in a bed of love
a lover's arms around you
a raft to hold onto 
and around your arms
a small one, warm and pink
soft

and at first it must taste so wonderful and comforting
you could cry, your face could just burst
at the thought of the love surrounding you
but as collective body heat rises and limbs fall asleep
contorted still in selfless resolve to continue 
support for the others on your bed-boat
a discomfort must creep in
and I would imagine, a new dream forms
one of space and time and full agency
over your limbs

I swim nightly in a sea devoid of humans
two furry bedfellows give me no more warmth 
than I can handle
and while I love this
I often dream and pursue the addition of a partner
and a child or two

I know if I ever attain these feats of daring, brave vulnerability
there will likely be many moments of longing for 
what I now have

and this is the forever dilemma of life

but still, it is good to want things
even if you never achieve them
a dream is the purpose putting speed in your step
and without stepping ever forwards toward some goal
you stand still and wilt curdled in potential untested
and growth perverted like an ingrown hair

I think
one of the most important things
to remember 
in life
is the belief that you can do anything
and the will to constantly take up arms
against that belief in heartfelt attempts
with the knowledge that sometimes 
you will fail
but
sometimes 
sometimes
you will prevail
and above all and
throughout it all
the losses and the gains
never lose your sense of fun
in the exploration of your attempts

​i belong to myself first
i am responsible to myself first
i am beholden to myself first

i may love others
but i cannot control them
i can control myself

i may want to help others
who do not wish to help themselves
and that i cannot solve
but i can shift the focus to myself
i can help myself

i may be brought to unwanted feelings by others
and want those others to correct their actions
to stop my pain--and they may not
but i, still, am responsible for processing my way
through that pain
i am responsible for my feelings

others may wish me to be different in some ways
may want me to act differently, believe differently,
live my life differently--but my responsibility in life
is first to honor my own compass, to fine-tune my
ear to my heart, and step inline with what seems
true and right and best to me

i cannot please everyone
i cannot fix anyone
i can only be myself
i can show up
i can be present and available and honest and heartfelt
and set boundaries
and i can be myself
and work to do so with honor and courage and to detach myself
from the shame, expectations, and miscellaneous opinions of others

and respect that others must be themselves, too