I had a blast telling this true(ly humiliating) story for Chatty Cathy (a monthly all-women's storytelling event) about the first time I attempted to have sex.
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I am frightened
often by the callings of my heart that soul purpose stuff that beats its demands upon my palms like, "Rise up and follow this path, sister!" When mostly I'd rather swallow that saliva, sit down and wait for my fate to run its course in the background while I soak up the comfort of my cool sheets. I do not want to confront the injustices of my time. I do not want to put a lifetime of effort into a career of "No's." I do not want to give up my peace and quiet to parent a babe. I do not want to be vulnerable and brave enough to admit my human attractions, or let love in. And yet... I do. Oh, my gosh. I do. I do, so much want those things. My insides demand these things of me and I say with such slowness, "Okay," and "One day." I try to stall. I'm as lazy as I am tall. I resist my callings. I argue with them before I accept them. I resent having a voice and a well-body sometimes. I am ungrateful and can be unkind to the abilities present within me. Because it is a responsibility. And I am tired. And I have no reason to be tired, I just am. Fatigued. And so I must daily find ways-- midst often failing--to revitalize my energies and my motivation to keep myself from falling horizontal into complacent waiting for my luck of living to run out. I have to tell myself, "There is time." And, "Get up." And ask, "What do you really believe and why?" And remind myself of the responsibility of those beliefs and act accordingly, and fail more, and feel that, and still get up again to try again. I don't always know how to do it. I don't always try my best. But I will always try again. Historical distance
allows for an anger that gets blinded in today's gaze; a rage that the confident, yet timid can feel safely because it requires no action. The past was bad, but the bad has past. We are awakened now. Reaping the benefits of our grandparent's protests. But, no. That is not true. Injustice persists, and still we sit. We say, in hindsight with such confidence, "The holocost this, and slavery that, pilgrims and Native Americans, the Japanese internment camps--" the horror of those atrocities we wear like the dated, rusty souvenirs of our elder relations that have been passed down-- they remain valuable in sentiment only, as data, dates to remember; because we do not recall the visceral, humanity of those tragedies, nor the hum-drum monotony of the daily life and times of those whose lives like yours and mine, assisted in allowing such tragedies to occur, by doing nothing. But, lo, we have our own. Here in 2018. In the United States of America. We have our own. In the world; we have our own. But understanding what is going on, being informed, caring, and being outraged is to accept responsibility for your part in our shared existence. To be angry is to say, "I cannot accept this, so therefore I must take action." And action is inconvenient, time-consuming, messy. And there are myriad distractions to help you look away... to feign naive ignorance, but-- Hey, hello. I see you. I saw you look the other way. You caught injustice in the side of your eye, as did I--together we both ignored it for a while hoping others would fight that fight, but now here we are. And we must look at it, at the environment our inaction has allowed to permeate. We have ignored it for too long. Injustice is embedded into the DNA of the USA, yes, but that doesn't mean we should stop working for a cure. Start by becoming one less symptom of this oft-corrupt and unbalanced system of States we hope to see one day as truly United and for the good of all who call its land a home. upon the near-end of my life
do not look at me with sympathy in your eyes, nor surprise at my life of soul-mate-less love for the whole of my existence i have carried upon my back the weight of your expectations for my discovery of love as a loss i have mourned every step of my days for a love i expected to come that did not come my way i have shamed myself for being inadequate i have cried, where i might have otherwise found reason to praise; my loneliness was not defined by me, but for me and never gave me the chance to discover all the good that being alone has done for me where you coupled faught and spat hit and manipulated, contorting yourselves into public and private personas--sure, i do not deny some loves are healthful and strong, but you must confess not all, or even most, last so long as my loneliness has--and in my loneliness, look past what you conceit of as deficits, to find with me all the many benefits i am free to explore every thought and interest without courteous split; my time is my own i sleep uninterrupted, and flirt when flirting hits my friendships retain unlimited depths my support is multi-sourced and not just in one house; i dine with friends under candlelight and where i crave, I ask; and where i spare it, i give my love is spread communally i live in a vulnerable state that has made me strong there have been times of illness where i've sung a different song but i survived, and in that survival tamed a perspective that lends me able and willing to be paged in others crisis' besides, one love, nary how deep does not keep you safe it is always in community that we find our most powerful strength the married, the coupled, these are not the first nor final aim to attain; i am not missing a limb of life by not losing my name i am not half of a whole i am whole, autonomously so and i have lived and i have loved in no more or less grand a way than any other If I had it to begin all over, and in beginning again, found myself as the cultural and parental rear-er of my own upbringing, the fairy-tale I would instill upon my young, impressionable hopes and dreams would be much more diverse a story than I actually got. There would be no royalty, no fate, no timeline, no gender bias or sexual preference expected, no numerical limitations, no "the one," and in some of the stories, no romantic love at all. I think much of modern, and even past centuries depression and anxiety come from this grand expectation we place upon our most freshly minted lives to rise and accomplish as a task of self-success and familial pride the events of marriage and children. Often these successes aren't even presented as a challenge, just simply the next in a series of life's steps, like losing baby teeth and growing your permanents; so that the failure to succeed at these simple steps to life's ultimate door, are seen as a rejection of the very fabric of society we are all collectively tethered to. As if by failing to meet these expectations, we are letting go of the large blanket of comfort that keeps our world safe and warm. We erase the narrative stories of others throughout history who do not sate the requirements of this story we've been telling for so many ages that its tradition has replaced reality with a story we mistake for an innate morality. You do not grow up commonly reading of the writers, philosophers, artists, teachers, scientist, preachers, doctors, and leaders who never wed, who fell in love with someone of the same sex, who chose not to create off-spring, who took up residence with platonic friends... these are not America's heroes. These are not the stories we champion into Children's Literature and Disney Animation. And in the few instances where these stories have made their way into print, their lifestyles are heralded as an example of overcoming hardship, rather than legitimate existences of their own merit. Every hero who dared go against the grain, by choice or by bravely honoring their true self, must first defy the normative expectation placed upon them without their permission from birth, and know that from then on each action and word will be judged against their otherness as if they are some strange minority. In fact, however, the more I dig through history on my own, without the stern hand of public education leading my curious pursuits, the more I discover that that which we call so rare, is in fact most common. So common as to nearly be considered boring, if it had not been hushed under the rug of shame and hidden from sight for so many centuries. It's plain as day to say some never marry, that a grand, romantic, and healthy love is neither a given nor something everyone craves. To every human who has fearfully uttered to a friend, "What if it never happens for me?" And whose friend replied, "It will! Of course it will." I must say, this promise is not written in some star whose gaseous output carries every human's fate as some romantic love plot--And that's OK. The lack of this is no more an indication of some profound error of your person-hood as it is a prediction that what has been will always be. What has been can cease to be, can change on a dime--and some never have love that fulfills both sexual and personal requirements for romantic love. And some fake love with all their heart to meet this expectation and find more hurts than gains, even as their pain is praised for its normative additions to our flawed moral cause. Additionally, it's clear that homosexual love dates back as far as heterosexual love, that transgender identities join them from the start, that platonic friendships can be as sustaining and worthwhile a partnership as romantic love, that there are all different kinds of ways to move through life and that one is not more worthy than the next. In short, young self, as you grow and ponder what you crave and how to fulfill your human needs that knock at night upon your lids, erase from your ears every utterance of expectation and judgmental moral platitudes that tradition tries to throw at you. You are perfectly capable of finding for your own self the ways that calm your heart, the people, person, place, or thing that makes your heart sing, the tickling of your private sensations is your own to hone and to be felt and dealt freely (barring injuring to yourself or others and always with consent of yourself and others). As Karamo Brown stated recently about not using the term "coming out" but instead saying he "invited them in" to know his true self... understand that you may be aware of certain truths about yourself that you cannot yet invite others in to know, but that does not make them less true. Do not hide them from yourself. Your house does not cease to exist based on the false beliefs and words of others, your house stands still, and holds your contents, and you alone hold the key to invite whomever you may choose to enter. Make your own way and keep your compass set within your self--outside winds will be strong and try to sway you with hurtful lies that you must learn to tune out. I recommend headphones, daily journaling, an auto-didactic approach to knowledge and truth, an open, humble mind, daily affirmations, and lastly, that you write the stories history has swept under the rug for all to see. And if you do raise children, your own grown or others born of other mothers, that you respect their own search to find their compass and that you provide them a more widely defined version of success to aspire to, to identify with, to daydream about; one that includes examples of every variation of human that you can come up with--one that shows that true happiness is defined within, not by achieving some outwardly put-upon perspective.
I had a slow work day, so I had some time to gaze internally for a bit and think about who I am, how I live, who I want to be and how I want to live. I have felt some sense of "floating off" from reality lately coupled with some prolonged depressive periods, and what I have been doing in my work to come back from that is journal my daily events to track patterns of thought. This has proved grounding, but I feel that in order to move forward I need to really understand what my core values are.
What I mean by Core Values is that these are the things I believe to be true, and the standards I vow to hold myself to---while recognizing they are not universal values and I cannot expect these of others, only demand them of myself. Yet, these are value that, if I had the ability to invent humans from scratch, I would instill on every model of human. Core Values (a working draft):
I then started to write "deserve"--as in, "deserve to be treated with..."--but stopped because I think that is the wrong word. I don't think it's about deserving anything. Desert implies that we earned something, that something is owed to us for some action. That's not really what I believe. I think regardless of actions committed, regardless of any and all things, all living things should be treated with respect and kindness. That is what I believe to be true and right, above all. So, this is core value number one. Now, what precisely do I mean by "respect" and "kindness"? What are the exact borders and required actions for those words? Words, beautiful though they may be, are merely a mirage until we clearly articulate and accept the responsibility of the implied commitments we are promising when we say things. *Respect: For this word, what I require of myself towards all livings things, is that I always obtain consent, when in doubt and where possible, before touching or asking about personal things. I respect others autonomy and ownership of their bodies and their lives. I take their words as honest communication. I start from the assumption that what they tell me is being told without malcontent and is accurate from their perspective. I respect their body, their space, their personal belongings, their words, their past, their hearts, and their hurts. I do not purposely cross these boundaries without their willing consent. I meet all living things as an equal and attempt to treat all not merely as I would want to be treated (for I have my own personal preferences that I cannot assume onto others who have their own based on their own lives), but I treat all with the same respect for their body, soul, mind, space, and time. And if I accidentally step over those boundaries, I own the hurt and damage caused and make amends to the best of my ability in a way appropriate for that particular being. In other words, Respect also means "do no harm." *Kindness: For this word, the dictionary defines it as being of a "sympathetic or helpful nature" of a "forbearing (*patient, restrained) nature" to give "relief or pleasure." For myself, what I require of my kindness towards all living things is to lead my interactions with others from a place of "how can I understand?" and "how can I help?" It requires blinding myself to the assumptions that follow all the ways we label ourselves and others as humans. It requires a loss of generalizations on any type of person. It requires all person-hood be met with the same kindness and respect. Now, for self-protection, I would like to add into this definition that just because I believe all living things are to be treated with respect and kindness, does not mean I am required to go out of my way to proactively deliver kindness and respect to others. It also does not mean that I, personally, am required to forgo my own safety when someone else is not respecting my being to provide them kindness first. What it does mean--taking an example of the incident in the grocery store parking lot where a man followed me trying to get me to let him fix my car and when I asked him to leave me alone he said, "What--do you think I'm going to rape you? No offense but your not pretty enough to rape." Taking this incident where I did not feel safe and was not being treated with respect or kindness. I did not forgo my safety to stop and see how I could help this man, how I could understand this man, how I could provide relief for this man. And I also believe I handled it in the best way I could--by stating I was not interested and wished to be left alone. So, while all living things are to be treated with respect and kindness, perhaps the subtitle of this core value is that it should not be done at the expense of personal safety. It should also be acknowledged and understood by me that just because I approach others with respect and kindness does not mean that they owe me anything in return, or that they are capable of, at that moment in their life, for whatever reason, extending the same back to me. *A final, difficult note regarding Respect & Kindness: Gossip, generalizations, and name-calling are rarely productive and always violate this rule. I understand that sometimes it feels like a relief to call, for example, President #45 or his supporters derogatory remarks. And certainly President #45 is quick to use them himself towards others. But what does this accomplish? Nothing productive. I am allowing myself to criticize policy and back it up with reasons and site facts. To vote--a must. To have discussions with others where I meet them first as a human who deserves respect and kindness, not as a democrat or republican, or any other label. This is hard. This is very, very hard. This is nearly impossible sometimes--and in those times, perhaps the best, most productive thing I can do is simply to walk away. But also, I honestly feel we, as a society, have made it too easy to divide ourselves into "us" vs. "them" thinking, and completely taken out the critical discussions that must exist to unite the two on some, if not all grounds. I am not delusional--I do not believe it is possible for the entire world to suddenly adopt a new way of thinking and communicating with each other, but for myself--the only one I can control--I must require this of myself. It is what I believe is the right way to approach discourse. After-all, before any of us were republicans or democrats, Christians, Muslims, Atheists, etc. before it all, we were humans. And I must fight to remember the humanity in my fellow humans of all kinds through it all. I will require that of myself. Generalizations are popular these days and while I am "generally" (haha) against them, I do feel they have served a purpose in making it known that a disproportion number of women face harassment and abuse by men, a disproportionate number of black people face abuse by police, etc. These generalizations rose by countless individual stories piling on top of each other and a growing frustration by the hurt parties and communities of these actions that these maltreatment's were being silenced and swept under rugs for far too long. The use of these generalizations was to bring attention to the disproportionate injustices in a way that could no longer be ignored due to the "bad seed" argument and alluded instead to a systemic problem that was far-reaching. In this way, I feel generalizations have been productive, but I fear that the more comfortable people get in making generalizations, the more we will become divisive and less productive at actually solving the issues that the generalizations helped bring to light. I understand the benefit, but I am cautious of the risk of closing off the much needed lines of communication to actually enable change, rather than a simple chastisement and decent into fear and chaos. As an example: If a kid does something wrong... something he has seen his brothers do and get away with, his friends do and get away with, something he is learning is not only okay but expected of him as a kid. And one day his Mother catches him and spanks him and shames him and grounds him for a week, without explaining what he did wrong, trying to understand why he did it and working together to find better ways to deal with those situations. Is that kid going to understand what he did wrong and not want to do it again? Or is he going to internalize that negative response, bitter because he was shamed for doing something others got away with, that he felt he was doing merely to "fit in"... Is he going to lash out? Become a better liar? Sneakier? Ideally all parents and caregivers help their kids learn right and wrong by teaching through exploring the "why's" but in reality, this is not something I can reasonably assume is taught for a multitude of reasons. So, whether I like it or not, whether it is fair to me or not, sometimes, if I really do want change, I will have to teach those lessons, explain those why's. I can't just call someone a name and block them--I mean, I can, and sometimes I certainly even should block them (safety first!), but I can't assume everyone has even a basic understanding of how to put themselves in someone else's shoes and see things from another perspective. That would be nice, but in my experience it frustratingly isn't reality. I vow not to make generalizations and to speak up in teachable moments. 2. Safety First! This core value is born out of the idea that I cannot take care of others if I am in crisis. If I am on fire, physically or emotionally, I cannot put anyone else's fires out. I have to save myself first. In this respect, the "Safety First" core value is more than just simply about attending to my own crisis moments first, but also about maintaining my well-being. In other words, don't just run your car until it's out of gas and you're stranded on the side of the road (or in line at Sonic, LOL) and have to flag down assistance. I need to be regularly checking in with myself and my own well-being. If I am getting low, I need to be proactive about taking care of myself. Even if I am physically healthy and mentally healthy, I can have harmful beliefs I may not be aware of, so I need to learn to spot check for blinders. As a white American woman who grew up in the conservative Bible belt in a fairly healthy, loving home...I have a lot of blinders I have had to shed and many more to shed. I have to actively seek out other points of view to expand the ways I can understand other points of view, empathize, not cause more harm and hopefully be able to help others. If I am not in a good place, I am not going to be able to do that. I am not going to be able to be that self-aware, that self-less, and that proactive if I am existing in survivor mode. Which is actually also important to keep in mind if I am in a teaching moment with someone who is not treating me with respect or kindness, who is determined to see me as a label of something rather than a fellow human...keep in mind, they may be in survivor mode. They may not be able to, in that moment, see beyond a rage that at its core is rooted in something much deeper and more dire than whatever moment I think I am in with them. In this case, if I cannot help them, if they will not let me help them with their fire, the kindest and most respectful thing I may be able to do is to walk away and let them find the help they can accept in someone else. I could not help that man in the parking lot, who if taken respectfully at his word, needed work so badly he was desperately following people in a parking lot, without putting myself into a potentially unsafe situation, and he could not accept my boundaries, so I had to get away and hope that someone else could attend to him in a way that was safe for them both. 3. Just because I do not understand something, does not mean it's bad or wrong. I am not the authority on all living things and lives. My experiences and personal preferences are simply the starting point to which I relate to people, not the standard by which I judge people, or the end point of what I am capable of appreciating or learning more about. If something is not endangering or hurting someone, it is not my place to speak negatively about it. This includes the way people present themselves, the way they live and love, the beliefs they hold, the work they make and words they say. Every time I have a snap judgement on someone, I will work to repeat this value to myself as a reminder that I am not the authority, that no one gains by my judgement, that in fact we all lose when we judge someone else's lives instead of seeking to understand them, or if that is not possible for whatever reason, simply carrying on to focus on the things that bring joy and productive growth. 4. I am responsible for expressing my feelings and teaching others how best to love me. So much pain in my life is my own responsibility and that is hard to accept. I feel hurt about things people have done or not done and I hold them responsible for that pain... when I never even expressed it to the person or gave them the opportunity and tools to learn how to love me in the ways that impact me most. I cannot expect that anyone else knows what I am feeling or thinking. I am responsible for expressing those internal things. I do no one any favors by "sucking it up" and "moving on" while secretly holding onto small slights that slowly snowball internally into much larger conflicts. It is not loving to deny others my whole self for the sake of trying to protect them from any discomfort. This is probably the hardest value for me accept and to actualize in my life. My default is to tuck in any negative emotions I have and tend to the needs of others, but what am I actually accomplishing when I do this? Teaching myself and my loved ones that I do not value my feelings and they shouldn't either? That I am OK with being treated in ways they may not even realize are harmful to me? They love me, I have to tell myself this, they love me and do not want to hurt me, so the kind and respectful thing to do is for me to tell them when they hurt me so they learn what hurts me. It would be easier if we were all hurt by the same things, if we all had the same wounds, if we all knew where the bombs were located...but life is not that easy. We are all different, we all hurt in different spots, we all have different injuries and we have to learn these about each other in order to care for each other. And the way we learn this about each other, is by communicating it to each other. I am responsible for expressing my feelings. And in order to do so, I must first be responsible for learning to how to value my feelings and the space they take up in my relationships. This is scary to me. I fear that if I say someone has hurt me, that simply saying that will hurt that person and that will be my fault and that person will walk out of my life. This is why I hide my feelings, but I do not believe that is healthy or even kind to those who really do love me and are capable of loving and respecting me in a healthy way. I must work to actualize this value. I am sure my core values will evolve and find new additions. I hope they do. But for now, I will start here. I will vow to these and hold myself accountable. Meet Me Here
This is a vision of what I hope to be, to find, to create: It was in the way that you sat that told me you were ready for conversation communion with me your legs sat split between the edges of the chair your arms lay down hands with fingers interlaced your head bowed slightly forward your eyes at attention studied in constant motion with mine you were here all of you ready to speak and to listen ready to go deep armed with laughter with empathetic tears with ears that were connected to your heart you spoke carefully yet freely you asked questions voracious to know others thirsty to understand how it all works happy to lend your tales to this grand experiment called life open with your shame as with your joy with your successes as with your failure with your hopes as with your fears you proved both validating mirror and challenging, aspirational professor friend, shoulder, lover growing both younger and younger while older and older we loved deeply laughed like no other our communions took the pulse of the day and quickened or slowed it in a grand dance that grew our mutual understanding of how to be human with other humans we were present most of all, above all else we sat present with each other devices off swaying, distracting thoughts corralled we met eye to eye heart to heart cherished the chance to hear, to hold, to heal This has been a vision of what I hope to be, to find, to create, to be present for. Will you meet me in this place? ********************************************* estranged, so strange: a father, now a stranger, named you don't get to say my name as if you know me you never had the pleasure you knew me as I started but not who I became you quit far before then and I don't know you either I met you in the middle of who you'd be but I cannot say your name nor the name we call those whose genetics bind us by Dad or by Daughter we both stopped counting days between when we stopped calling stopped saying those words and in the absense of those words uttered in the silence and empty space of a relationship shattered two people exist as close as can be yet never farther apart Father: his coordinates, unknown His DNA, embedded in my heart 1
Sometimes I think I was meant to be a fish, but at the last minute some wires got crossed and I came out human I dry out easily and quickly Harshly--my body elicits a storm of suffocating dryness My swallows are filled with sand My eyes audibly crack when I wake I take baths like a runner struggling for air Drown my eyes in drops Drink water as if it were my job but still--I run out 2 It has been an unknowable amount of time now that I have been in a period of prolonged, abnormally low rain fall a drought of my spirit feeling full I am good at disassociating from myself and reality I can do it for many lengths of time But then wake to find I do not recognize myself any more I reset to an old image of myself and then am shocked when I see it no longer lines up I have been low and dry for so long I need to do something now Even artificial rain will do It will have to 3 The rainfall: Here are some drops... Fact: I have consistently, throughout my life, fought for the reality of my most sacred dreams and that takes a lot of courage, vision, follow-through and dedication. Fact: I have survived the loss and rejection of a parent, and family unit, and while imperfect, I have constantly worked to find my way to forgiveness and love and growth through this loss. Fact: I have been open to being wrong in my world view, to learning new information and let it change me. This takes humility. Fact: I have many times over worked to build up fellow humans joy, self-esteem and well-being by freely giving time, talent, and words for their benefit. Fact: As much as I fail and fall into depression and drought, I always keep trying to overcome, to stimulate my own motivation and take care of myself. Fact: I'm smarter than I give myself credit for and I have continued to pursue new knowledge as I've grown, becoming an enthusiastic autodidact, despite my lack of traditional education or degrees. Fact: I am resourceful and inventive with creativity in spades. This is a gift that often embarrasses me, and is hard for me to claim with pride or to acknowledge its worth...nevertheless, I keep putting it out there. I keep trying to claim the acceptance of these gifts as gifts in the world, even as it makes me deeply uncomfortable. Fact: I am capable of being very funny. I have made an audience of hundreds laugh. Fact: I am a very good listener. Fact: I always try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, to see other people's point of view, I forgive easily and quickly--something that I have had to work at doing. Fact: I have turned other humans "on." I have elicited a romantic response in other humans. Fact: I am worthy of love, respect, affection, honesty, good communication, and care. Fact: The absence of my ability to believe that any of these things are true, does not render them false. And the acceptance that all these things are true, does not negate all negative impairments of my humanity. We are all full of pros and cons. The best you can aim for is the acknowledgement of both, and consistently work towards not just self-betterment, but the betterment of skills that add to the betterment of this world. Fact: This year I have dedicated myself to learning what it means to be an advocate, to take responsibility for a problem I did not create, that does not impact my life, but that afflicts my community and that I have the capacity to help improve. i asked myself
for permission to be as depressed as i am to really feel it and accept it to wave the white flag and say oh here i am okay at work today my co-worker talked about a recent day she stayed home from work with her sick dog and how it was beautiful weather that day but she was so depressed about the dog she closed the blinds and took a nap i thought, huh that's every day for me-- am i depressed? i hadn't really thought of it as such because i find not thinking of things as such renders them more acceptable and you tend to believe things are fine which is helpful in not feeling not-fine, i find anyway, i've been eating a lot not sleeping and then sleeping a lot mostly, just constantly horizontal in bed or longing to be in the semi-dark, alone it's not bad, though like, it feels good it's a relief so how can that be depression? that thing that's supposed to make you feel sad or nothing maybe it's not what it is is a bottomless lethergy an inability to focus or to physically animate my body into motion what it is is piled dishes and un-walked dogs and waves of guilt and people-fatigue and not talking for long bouts of time and retreating and putting things off i don't want to talk i don't want to be with people i don't want to be seen i don't want to exist in the world (not die) just not have a body or brain for a while--hang them up like a winter coat in the back of the closet for summer i just want this bubble i've built of blankets and warm-bodied dogs snuggled against me a dark, cool room with stories to be consumed for all the rest of time and endless food and potential for rest then, in bouts and bursts i eventually always get myself motivated into action i do the things needed to be done and either do them because they need it bad enough or because i finally feel the urge to do them and then i give--i give all of myself, my talents, my time and more i give it all away for free a lot work without sleep around the clock it comes off as easy it's not, it's compulsive i can't stop until it's done it bothers me like a kick in the groin a swollen mosquito bite itching under the skin i have to finish and i can't stop until i do i give everything i ask for nothing, often, in return and why because i want to give i want to make happiness for others because i want them to think good things of me to help them see good things in themselves because i enjoy the work because creating gives me purpose and joy because i don't believe i deserve to ask for anything back because i don't believe in my worth enough to speak on its behalf and then i get spent and i droop and dwindle into the bed-puddle of a being that stays put and watches TV and pretends not to "be" and feels like crying feels it like a pimple pressing against a swollen surface feels it in the throat, a scream that never comes i'm not depressed no, i'm inactive i'm in a stasis waiting for the next wave the next phase of my creative cicle when i will feel brave and bold and full again ready to give again and then i will give again until i am empty again and maybe one day i will be given to without asking and maybe one day i will be brave enough to ask and maybe one day i will be given to and filled up rather than drained and i wonder (and i doubt) if that will help keep me full longer or if i will still run out just as quick but be richer "rich" is such an empty word to me i know money only as a need i work to meet with hourly jobs because i fear homelessness and hunger but not as an aspiration or validation of my creative work still, do i not deserve financial validation for my work? probably...but i'm too exhausted to explore the ins and outs of that now so, just shut up (me) and let me be, puddle-y though i am i'll find my way to solid again i'll figure it out just not now now i need to rest i need to rest until i can cry out loud until i can stand up until i can speak until i can bare to be seen until i can hoist up my flesh and bones and spirit into a form that can actively be just i'm not there yet now? nap s 1. "I'm in AWE of you."
2. "Have we been talking for that long?" (Inside joke.) (Bottomless laughter.) 3. "I like watching you when you don't know I'm watching you. Drinking wine, walking across the room. That's how I know I'm in love with you. I could watch you brush your teeth and it's the best thing ever." 4. "I'm wet." 5. "This is what we're doing: We're falling in love." 6. "I can't wait until tomorrow. Let's meet up tonight." 7. "I can see myself beaming with pride saying, "That's my wife." 8. "I feel so embarrassed about last night. I'm so sorry. Take as much space as you need." 9. "It's stupid to be upset about this." "No, you're valid. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." 10. "Can I just say, when you're on the phone saying the phrase, "I'm gonna let you go" ...you're making it sound like you're doing me a favor, when really what you're saying is, "I need to leave for my own personal reasons." You know what I mean?" 11. "Is that what you need from me right now? 12. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess right now." 13. "Maybe we should take a break?" 14. "I don't want to be with anyone else." 15. "Can we call the breakup off? I know it was my idea, but it stinks. It's no good and it's awful, and I love you." 16. "I think this is for the best. I just need some space for me." 17. "I don't know how anyone gets through this. It hurts too much." (Uncontrollable sobbing.) 18. (TIME) 19. "Hey. I just wanted to see how you are doing. I love seeing your facebook posts. I hope we can be friends." 20. "Honestly? I'm so over it now, I hardly remember what all the fuss was about." |
Andie BottrellActress & Writer living in Springfield, MO who also enjoys photography, art, editing, music, languages, and time travel. Archives
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